Hilarious Matrimony
by Robert Chad Canter
Summary: Years ago, Robin defeated the Joker without Batman's assistance. The Joker promised that one day he would kill the person that Robin loved the most. Now, as Nightwing, Dick is all set to marry Starfire, and the Joker intends to make good on his promise.
1. The Promise

**Warning: Progress in this fan fiction will be slow. I have actual books to write.**

 **And before anyone makes any clever comments about discrepancies in comparison to what happened in the actual comics or in a specific TV continuity, such as the location of Titans Tower, I'd like to remind you that this is a fan fiction.**

 **(Gotham City: Years ago)**

Wayne Enterprises was hosting a fundraiser for Autism Awareness. Everyone who was anyone was there to support the cause, so naturally, the recently escaped Joker saw it as an opportunity to make some fast cash. The Joker and his men wasted no time gathering up the money and everyone's valuables, fearing that Batman might burst through the window at any moment. What they didn't know was that Batman was one of the hostages being held at gunpoint.

"Of all the villains, I'd have to deal with on my own, it had to be the Joker."

Dick Grayson, Robin, stood on the roof of the building owned by Wayne Enterprises where the hostage situation was unfolding. He counted at least a dozen armed thugs, including the Joker himself. Right now the hostages were being forced to empty their pockets. He didn't have much time.

"Stop me if you've heard this one before!" laughed the Joker. "There once was an old lady who got mugged. As the thief ran away, she pulled out her late husband's service pistol and shot him six times. Later, while she was detained by the police, her lawyer asked her why she shot the man six times. She responded, I only had six bullets! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Robin had read Batman's files on the Joker multiple times, and they still sent a chill down his spine. No one knew who the Joker was before he became what he was, he just seemed to appear out of thin air. He was a sadistic sociopath who delighted in causing chaos, destruction, and human suffering, and no one knew why. Now Robin had to take him on all by himself.

"Master Dick, have you formulated your plan of attack?" asked Alfred over the comms.

Robin thought he was ready, but then he remembered what happened the first time he and Batman went after Two-Face together, and the Joker was a lot more unpredictable than a man who needed to flip a coin for every decision he made.

"They're almost done collecting the loot. It's now or never Al… Kill the lights on my mark."

"Why is Three afraid of Two?" asked the Joker. "Because he killed every One!"

Before the Joker could move, the lights went out. A moment later, several canisters crashed through the windows, filling the room with a thick cloud of tear gas. As Robin crashed through the ceiling, he hurled several shuriken to disarm the hostiles. As he fell, he brought all of his weight raining down on the nearest crook. He then quickly dispatched the next thug and moved onto the next.

"Nine… ten… eleven…"

Click!

Robin froze as the gas dissipated, and was greeted with the sight of the Joker pointing a gun at him.

"Bird Boy! Seriously, what do you people have against windows? Either you've never heard of a door, or you just really like pulling glass out of your asses! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Where's your boss?"

Robin slowly circled the Joker, who kept his weapon trained on him.

" _Bruce's files said that Joker likes to talk… so do I."_

Robin had been preparing for a confrontation with a Joker, but not without having Batman as backup, and Bruce Wayne couldn't afford to look too brave in a situation like this.

"He thought I could take care of you by myself."

"What was that?!" snapped the Joker.

"He doesn't take you seriously anymore," replied Robin still moving slowly in a circle. "And can you blame him? There are only so many times you can listen to bad jokes and stare at that ugly mug."

"Maybe he'll take me seriously when I clip your little wings!"

"Before you do that Pagliacci, would you like to hear a joke?"

"What's that?! Does the Brat Wonder thing he can mix it up with the mogul mountebanks himself?! Sure, what the hell?"

Robin stopped circling the Joker, leaving the clown with his back to a window. All he could do now was pray his plan worked.

"Two ice cream sandwiches are sitting in a freezer. One looks at another and says, 'It's kind of cold in here.' The other says, 'Ah! A talking ice cream sandwich!'"

There was a long silence, and the Joker frowned.

"You are the worst comedian I've ever heard, and I've had Batman try to tell me a joke."

Robin's smile didn't fade from his face.

"Yeah, well at least I'm smart enough to get out of the way of an incoming drone."

"Wait, what?"

Joker turned to look out the window, giving Robin just the distraction he needed. He hurled the prototype glue grenade from his belt and it struck the Joker in the back, encasing him in a gel-like adhesive and causing him to fall flat on his face. The lights came back on, and Robin struck a pose.

"La commedia è finita!"

Robin got a big standing ovation from the hostages. He looked around and saw Bruce. There was no doubt in Dick's mind that Bruce was going to scold him for being reckless and tell him what he did wrong, but that didn't change the fact that he just outjokered the Joker without anyone getting hurt. He walked over and turned the Joker over.

"How does it feel to be upstaged by the worst comedian you've ever heard?"

"You better kill me Bird Boy, because if you don't, I'm going to kill the person you love most…"

"You're going back to Arkham, and this time you're going to stay there."

"Oh, like I haven't heard that before…"


	2. The Proposal

**(New York City: Present Day)**

Dick Grayson, Nightwing, sped through the streets of New York City on his motorcycle. He had gone up against some of the worst beings the universe had to offer, ranging from the Joker to Trigon and beyond, but none of that scared him as much as what he was about to do.

"Don't be a coward," he told himself. "Just pretend it's another night at Haly's Circus, and you're jumping without the safety of a net."

Dick hadn't told Bruce about his plan. The old man didn't have any experience with this sort of thing, and Dick certainly didn't need his permission. There was a time when he idolized Bruce, but being Batman wasn't the most important thing in Bruce's life, itWAS his life. Dick realized that he wanted more out of life than spending every night fighting crooks and psychopaths. Hopefully, he would have more to look forward to after tonight.

"What would my dad tell me in this situation?"

Dick's parents were killed when he was eight years old, now it seemed like another lifetime ago. He fruitlessly tried to imagine how they would react if they were alive now and he told them what he was about to do when his train of thought was interrupted by the sound of shattering glass. He turned and saw a dozen men jumping in through the window of a jewelry store.

"It never stops…"

Given that they had shattered the window of the store, these obviously weren't professional thieves. When Nightwing got close enough, he saw that they were all wearing rat masks. He got their attention with his bike's headlights and jumped in through the window.

"Okay, what's your gimmick?" he asked.

Instead of just pulling out their weapons and attacking, the leader of the group got on top of one of the counters and struck a pose.

"We're the Pack Rats! And all your valuables are belong to us!"

"Terrible choreography and video game references, I'm petrified," replied Nightwing. "Look, Chuck, you and your friends are obviously new at this. I'm willing to take it easy on you if you put the loot back and never even think of doing this again."

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm in the mood for hot wings!"

The biggest crook charged at Nightwing like a rhinoceros on crystal meth. Nightwing dodged him effortlessly and sent him crashing into the wall.

"Really, that's the best you could come up with?"

All the other crooks started to attack.

"Line 'em up and knock 'em down…"

Nightwing had somewhere else to be, so he wasted no time dispatching the thugs with his escrima sticks. He thought he had knocked them all out when one from the front of the shop got back up and pulled a gun on him.

"Look, buddy, why don't you put down the gun and I'll hook you up with some bitto storico?"

Nightwing guessed correctly that the man pointing a gun at him had no idea that bitto storico was an expensive kind of cheese.

"Say goodnight pretty boy!"

A green bolt of energy whizzed past the thug's head and caused him to drop the gun.

"Goodnight pretty boy," said Starfire smiling.

The thug was mesmerized by Starfire, and Nightwing didn't blame him. Her fiery red hair danced like a snake in the air, and the way she moved her hips when she walked could make a blind man blush. The distraction enabled him to knock the thug out with one of his wing-dings.

"You're getting sloppy."

"I've gone toe to toe with Deathstroke multiple times," said Dick smiling. "Do you think I couldn't handle one of Pikachu's less appealable cousins with a gun?"

"I do not know what the Pikachu is," replied Kory.

"This is a Pikachu," said Dick taking out his phone.

"I want one…"

"Well, we can see what they have online later; right now we're on a schedule."

After leaving the Pack Rats for the police, Dick and Kory made their way to Liberty Island. No doubt Kory was wondering why he had called her here in the wee hours of the morning, but he assured her it was going to be worth it. They stood atop Lady Liberty's head and watched the sun rise over the horizon.

"It's quite beautiful," said Kory.

"Yeah, but how often do we stop to appreciate it?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I've been all around the world, more than once; but I've never really had time to enjoy the scenery. I'm always too busy fighting psychopaths and supervillains."

Dick took Kory by the hand, it was warm. Her green eyes were even brighter than the sun.

"How many times could we have died over the years, and not gotten a chance to enjoy all the wonderful things in life?"

Dick had a point, who wanted to spend their whole life fighting?

"It's like Ferris Bueller said on his day off, 'Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.'"

"I do not know this Bueller person, but I think he makes a good point," replied Kory.

"None of us are getting any younger. I want to enjoy life while I'm still young, and there's one person in the universe that I really want to enjoy it with."

Dick somehow found the courage to get down on his knees and produce the ring. It wasn't a ring fit for a princess, but it was the best he could do on his budget. A part of him regretted not asking Bruce for a loan.

"Princess Koriand'r, I promise to love you for as long as there are stars in the sky. Will you marry me?"

The next thing Dick knew, he and Kory were more than halfway to the stratosphere.

"Oh Richard, of course I will!"

"Great, now can you please stop trying to break me in half?"


	3. Through the Grapevine

Damian Wayne, Robin, couldn't believe his eyes.

"Polka-Dot Man, Crazy Quilt, Killer Moth, Bookworm, Zebra-Man, Orca, Ratcatcher, and the Condiment King? These guys can't be serious…"

Damian had never heard of any of these villains, and Batman hadn't seen them in what seemed like an eternity. But here they were, all gathered in an abandoned building on Gotham's east end. Over the past few weeks, there had been a mass of small-time robberies throughout the city. The robberies by themselves were small, but together they reached a net total of over a million dollars and climbing.

"How does a man who wears spandex, a pair of underwear, a pickle on his head, and uses ketchup and mustard as his primary weapon successfully steal anything?"

Batman didn't respond, he just gave Damian the hand signal that meant, _"You go this way, I go that way."_

The lights went dead, and both Batman and Robin descended on the unlikely band of crooks. Damian had been raised in the League of Assassins, where he had been taught to kill his enemies before they killed him. Sometimes he didn't understand his father's non-lethal approach to things, but he understood it in this situation. Anyone who dressed head to toe in leather and called himself the Bookworm just wasn't worth it.

A couple shuriken and a blow to the head was enough to take Bookwork out. Killer Moth took to the air and shot at Robin with his cocoon gun, but never came close to finding his mark. Robin ran and leapt off of Ocra's head to kick Killer Moth in the ribs and send him crashing to the ground. Condiment King shot at Robin with his guns and missed. Robin could barely contain his embarrassment and rage when he realized that the substances fired from Condiment King's weapons were, in fact, ketchup and mustard.

He ran over at Condiment King, slid underneath his legs, and cut the hoses protruding from the tanks on his back. When Robin got back on his feet, his opponent's weapons were useless.

"This is the part where you fall down," he growled.

As Condiment King purposely fell to the ground, Damian was relieved to see that his father had finished dispatching the others.

Batman and Robin waited for GCPD to show up, and resumed their patrol.

"Where do all these freaks come from?"

"I wish I knew…"

A part of Batman understood Robin's frustration. Damian had been trained by the League of Assassins to succeed Ra's Al Ghul; taking on a couple goons like these seemed beneath him. But not every criminal was Deathstroke, Lex Luthor, and the Joker. They spent so much time fighting supervillains and psychopaths that they often forgot that any liquored-up hillbilly with a gun could march into some random superstore and demand money. All Batman's worst enemies were presently locked up in either Blackgate Prison or Arkham Asylum, so naturally, the small timers tried to take advantage of that.

"Polka-Dot Man, Killer Moth, and the Condiment King?" asked Nightwing making his presence known. "What is this, the revenge of the D-List villains from outer space?"

"What are you doing here, Grayson?" asked Damian.

"I just came to tell you guys the good news."

"You proposed to Starfire, and she said yes," said Batman.

Nightwing froze.

"I know you're the world's greatest detective, but how did you know that?"

"I haven't seen you this happy since I agreed to let you be Robin. I suppose congratulations are in order."

Nightwing expected a lecture about responsibility and how the job came first, but none came. Dick was his own man, and he was looking for a life outside the job. Batman never got over his parents' murder; he brought Dick in as Robin in hope of making a difference in his life, to give the boy the closure he never had. Together they brought the Graysons' killer to justice, and now Dick was looking to put all this behind him. He deserved a shot at happiness.

"Now did you come just to tell us the good news, or to ask me to pay for the wedding?"

"Well… I wasn't going to. But now that you mention it, my personal bank account is a little thin."

Batman cracked a smile and resumed his patrol.

"Good god, he told a joke," said Nightwing.

"I know," replied Robin. "And I'm just as scared as you are."

Arkham Asylum stood on the outskirts of Gotham City. This was the place where they sent all the people who were too crazy for Blackgate Prison. The asylum had a long and dark history, and many people believed that the place was cursed. If the walls of the asylum could speak, they would talk of madness as never encountered in the sphere of human experience. It wasn't a mental hospital, it was a madhouse. At the center of this web of madness was the Joker. To him, Akrham was just a place for him to rest in-between "performances" and work on his material. He would leave as soon as he was ready for his next big show, but right now he needed some inspiration.

Some of the young and ambitious doctors argued that it was impossible for the inmates to get any better if they were locked in their cells all day, they needed some recreation. Of course, when the Joker was let out for recreation, he was dressed in a straitjacket which was anchored to the floor. He spent his recreation time as he usually did, in front of the TV. Unfortunately, a certain animated sitcom was about to start playing.

"CHANGE THE DAMN CHANNEL OR I'LL KILL YOUR FAMILY!" he shouted to the orderly.

The orderly promptly changed the channel.

"Thank you, Matt…" said the Joker smiling his usual grim smile.

"Got something against _Family Guy_?" asked Matt, immediately wishing he hadn't opened his mouth.

" _Family Guy_ is one of many shows that represent everything that's wrong with comedy these days. I remember a time when you could turn on the TV and get halfway decent banter, gags, and slapstick; now it's just a bunch of pointless sex jokes, innuendos, and liberal bullshit. Show some originality!"

Arkham Asylum was a dangerous place to work, which was why the money was so good. Matt had survived working in the asylum for three years, and that was arguably the sanest thing he had ever heard come out of the Joker's mouth.

The Joker spent his recreation time pretending to watch the news. In reality, he was working on his next big show.

" _You know what would be really funny, if I just hung a certain female politician with a noose made of American flags! No, wait, on second thought that's stupid. Politics is a dead horse that comedians have been beating just as much as sex jokes, if not more so… and it's not even election year."_

For a while, he just sat there thinking

" _Oh, I know! I could stone someone to death with lemons! That's never been done before. That way I can literally beat someone to a citrus pulp!"_

There was a story on the news about a candlelight vigil for a kid who was killed in a car accident.

" _Oh one kid gets hit by a bus and everyone cries, but when millions of unborn babies are slaughtered, no one bats an eye."_

Only the Joker could find something like that funny. Next, there was a story about a heated protest that erupted into full out riot, leaving no less than a hundred casualties. Two radically different points of view simply could not coexist; it was like locking two male tigers in the same cage.

" _Everyone's insane; at least here in the asylum we admit it."_

The next story was about trending news. No doubt it was some puff piece done to distract everyone from the horrors of a world that was clearly spinning out of control.

" _I've got it! I can drop an anvil on someone, and when they jump out of the way, they trip a pressure trigger that sets off a generous number of explosives! Old gag, new twist!"_

"This photo of the heroine 'Starfire' has gone viral on the internet. Upon close inspection, you can see what clearly looks like an engagement ring on her hand. We have no official confirmation at this time, but witnesses claim to have seen her holding hands with the vigilante known as Nightwing."

Within five minutes a noise echoed throughout Arkham that filled inmates and staff alike with dread. The Joker was laughing. Of all the noises and sounds made by all the inmates in the entire asylum, that was the one noise that was feared the most.

"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

"Do you mind? Some of us are trying to play chess!"

"Eddie, I swear to God, if you don't shut that pie-hole of yours, we'll solve the riddle: How long does it take to kill a man with a pair of toenail clippers?!"


	4. Sending a Message

Starfire's impending wedding was all anyone was talking about. It didn't take long for all Dick and Kory's old friends to throw them a big engagement party. In the months that followed, Kory had gone full-out Bridezilla, making Dick glad that he had Bruce's financial backing. They had spent the last three weeks trying to decide on the cake. Kory, not knowing just how many different kinds of cake the Earth had to offer, just couldn't seem to pick the one she wanted. In the end, she had to be cruel with herself. By the time winter had fallen, both Dick and Kory figured that they were long overdue for a breather.

Kory didn't like wearing a disguise, but Starfire obviously couldn't be seen with Dick Grayson visiting Gotham City Cemetery.

 **Here lies John and Mary Grayson**

 **May they rest in peace.**

"Some people say that everything happens for a reason, that nothing is up to chance, it's all up to fate," said Dick. "My parents were killed by a mobster, for no reason other than to send a message… I refuse to believe that was ever part of some higher power's plan… but I know I'm who I am today because that happened."

"Your parents would be proud of you," said Kory placing her hand on his shoulder. "I'll bet they never once in a million years thought you would lead a group of extraordinary individuals to vanquish a being like Trigon."

"Or go toe to toe with someone like Deathstroke, or anything else we've done... Is it really okay for me to want more out of life?"

"Your parents would have wanted you to be happy," replied Kory smiling. "Besides, who says we can't do what we do, and have lives outside the workplace?"

Since Bruce was financing their wedding, Dick and Kory decided not to break his bank any more by staying somewhere too extravagant while they were in Gotham. They spent the night at the hotel as they usually did, cuddling on the couch and catching Kory up on Earth culture, only now they were accompanied by Kory's new Pikachu plushie.

"You don't see shows like this anymore," said Dick.

They had just gotten to Pinky and the Brain's debut skit in the second episode of _The Animaniacs_. Brain explained that his plan involved generating a magnetic pull so that anyone on the planet with loose change in their pockets would be stuck to the ground. At this point, Pinky innocently asked, "What if they take off their pants?"

Kory laughed.

"His whole plan hinged on people having something magnetic in their pockets."

"If all the super villains we dealt with were as goofy as that, the entire Justice League could've retired a long time ago," said Dick.

As the cartoons continued to play, Dick told Kory about some of the weirdest villains he had fought when he was still Robin.

"He actually called himself the Condiment King, and his primary weapons were guns that shot ketchup and mustard!" laughed Dick. "Well, I guess they did have the potential to cause anaphylactic shock, but what's next, Peanut Man?"

"I wouldn't mind some mustard," said Kory.

"And I wouldn't mind something to go with it."

Just then, a loud alarm blared on Dick's phone.

"What's that?" asked Kory.

"Batman has made some very dangerous enemies over the years. He likes to keep the rest of us informed when they escape the nut house. Which unfortunately happens about once a month."

When Dick looked at his phone, he was shocked to see that not one, but three inmates had escaped from Arkham Asylum: The Mad Hatter, Scarecrow, and the Joker.

The Basilica of Our Lady of Faith was the oldest and biggest Catholic Church in Gotham City. For many, it was a steadfast and uncompromising beacon of hope in a world gone mad, for others it was a sanctuary. There had been many famous baptisms, weddings, and funerals performed within the church. But now it would be known for hosting one of the Joker's biggest atrocities.

"Oh my God…" said Commissioner Gordon, trying to keep his dinner down.

The church was filled with the Joker's victims. The pews were filled with people whose faces had contorted into a nightmarish grin, easily a hundred at minimum. A jokerized bride and groom were positioned at the altar, and a jokerized priest was hanging crucified above them, wearing nothing but his underwear. The faint aroma of incense was the only thing that covered the smell of the bodies. Robin was sickened to see that there were even children among the victims.

"Only he could be this sick!"

"Every time we put him away, I pray that he never gets out," said Gordon. "And then he escapes and does something like this… How could any man do something like this?"

"This isn't the work of a man…" said Batman observing the crucified priest.

"Batman, you better take a look at this," said one of the crime scene analysts.

The analyst had been observing the wedding video. There was a note attached to the cameraman's camcorder.

 **For Bird-Boy and Star-Girl**

Batman felt his heart rate quicken as the video began to play. The wedding played out normally until the bride and groom stood side by side at the altar. They looked so happy and in love, it was hard to imagine that their lives were about to be taken from them.

"Dearly beloved!" exclaimed the priest. "We are gathered here today on this most joyous occasion… to send a message."

The priest closed his book and threw it away.

"Some odd years ago, a certain little brat humiliated me, and I promised him that one day I'd kill the person he loved most."

The Joker took off his bald cap and wiped away the makeup on his face.

"And as we all know, I'm a man of my word."

The entire church screamed as the Joker's toxin filled the building.

"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"


	5. Lock Down

Clark Kent, Superman, knew right away that something was wron _g._

" _Bruce NEVER calls…"_

It didn't take an investigative reporter's instincts to know that it wouldn't be a social call. When he reached Gotham City, he found Batman standing beside the speedster Wally West.

"You're looking more serious than normal," said Superman.

"I need to find the Joker, and this time I'm not waiting for him to make his move."

Batman showed them the video that the Joker had left for him at the church.

"My god…"

Not needing any more persuasion, Superman flew up into the air and searched the entire city with his super hearing and x-ray vision.

"Nothing."

Superman made note of all the locations that were lined with lead.

"Wally, search these locations. If you see the Joker, do not engage."

"Like that's on my wish list."

It only took Wally a few seconds.

"Plenty of illegal pot farms and a sex club, but no Joker."

The first thing Batman did was alert the rest of the family, then he called in as many people as were available to escort Dick and Kory to the one place the Joker wouldn't be able to reach them, the Watchtower.

"Search this place from top to bottom, every inch!"

Batman wasn't taking any chances. Sometimes it was like the Joker was ten moves ahead of them. His mind ran amok thinking of all the twisted ways Joker could have prepared for this eventuality. For all he knew the Watchtower's air vents were filled with deadly Joker Venom.

"The Watchtower is secure," said Superman.

"Check it again,"

"Bruce, the Joker doesn't have access to the Watchtower's teleporter, and it's not like he owns a flying saucer."

"If it were anyone else, I might agree with you."

As soon as the search was done, and they were absolutely sure that there was nothing malevolent on board, the Watchtower went into emergency lockdown.

"We're going to find him, Dick."

"And then what?!" snapped Dick. "Send him back to Arkham, just so he can escape again?!"

"Dick…"

"Don't bother pretending! It happens every damn time! He won't stop until he pulls her fucking heart out! That's all he does!"

"Dick, I'll never let him hurt you or Kory."

Batman ended the transmission before Dick could protest. He turned to face the rest of the family.

"We're here Bruce, what do we do?" asked Tim.

"All of you are to remain in the cave until I get back."

"Where are you going?" asked Barbara.

"The Joker isn't going to just give up, and I don't know what his next move is going to be. We need someone who thinks like him."

Damian slapped himself.

"You don't mean…"

It was in times like this that Batman felt that despite his best efforts, the Batwing wasn't as fast as he'd like it to be. Every second the Joker was free was another second against him. Nevertheless, he soon arrived in Brooklyn, where he found Harley Quinn sitting in a hot tub on a rooftop.

"Oh, hiya B-Man," she said sounding overly cheerful. "Is spying on skinny-dipping girls a bad habit of yours, or am I just a special case? What would Selina say?"

"I'm looking for your boyfriend," growled Batman.

Harley frowned.

"Sorry B-man, Mister J and I aren't on speaking terms right now."

"I don't have time for games Harley," growled Batman. "There are two people that are getting ready to spend the rest of their lives together, and if I don't stop him…"

"Wait, is this about Bird Boy and Star Girl?" asked Harley.

"How would you know about that?"

"Have you not been on the internet? So, you're telling me there are two crazy kids in love, and Mister J wants to ruin their happily ever after?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you say that in the first place?!"

"Just put on some clothes and get in the damn plane."

Harley was enjoying the ride in the Batwing too much.

"Like a speeding bullet stuck in the rear end of a bat out of Hell! Yahoo!"

"Nightwing and Starfire are somewhere the Joker can't get to them," said Batman. "What's his next move?"

"You know how much Mister J hates it when he can't have his way. If he can't get to them, he'll find someone or something that can, but only if he thinks it's funny."

While Batman was picking up Harley, Gotham City was quiet. But everyone knew it was just the calm before the storm.

"This can't go on," said Jason Todd, the Red Hood. "Even if Bruce stops the Joker, he'll just break out and come after Dick and Kory again. He never does anything permanent!"

"He can't, he's Batman. If he does that, he's no better than the criminals he puts away."

"We're all criminals, Barbara. The only reason Gotham tolerates this family is because they need us."

Jason had included Barbara in the conversation because she was probably the one person who hated the Joker as much as he did.

"My father shows the Joker mercy every time," said Damian. "And every time he does, it bites us in the ass. Think about how many people he's killed."

Deep down Barbara knew that Jason and Damian were right. Even if they sent the Joker back to Arkham, he would just break out again. He wouldn't stop hunting Starfire until he was laughing over her bloody and broken body. There was no way they could do that to Dick.

"You have your father to think about, and Damian is probably going to be Batman someday. I'll do it. I'll be the person who finally breaks the cycle."

Somewhere, the Joker was sitting at a table opposite a mannequin dressed as Batman. Between them was a chessboard with the pieces sculpted to look like all the people involved in the drama that was about to play out.

"The board is set, the game begins. My tricks and traps will see who wins! Hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh-hee-hee-hee-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"


	6. Pawns Move First

The Bible describes a person's eyes as the lamp of their body. Storytellers like Edgar Allan Poe believe that eyes are the windows into the soul. Whenever Dick looked in Kory's eyes, he saw that they were full of light and love, and he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. As he looked at the monitors in front of him, looking into the eyes of the Joker, all he could see were black holes sucking in everything around them and crushing it all into infinity. These were the eyes of a psychopath.

"Who is he?" asked Kory.

"No one knows, maybe not even the Joker himself," replied Dick. "He's given over a dozen accounts of his past, all of them different. There's only one constant, Batman."

The computer played an audio file from one of Batman's previous encounters with the Joker. Hearing the clown's voice was enough to make Dick's skin crawl, but he was desperately looking for the insight he needed to save his future wife.

" _Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another. If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! HA-HA-HA!"_

Dick and Kory were locked up inside the Watchtower, they should've been safe, but Dick's mind ran amok with nightmares of the Joker shooting into space on a suicidal carnival food stand with rockets attached.

"We faced Trigon and won, we're going to get through this," said Kory. "And when we do, I intend to marry you."

After Dick's parents were murdered, he was raised by Bruce, who taught him to be better than the monsters that they fought against. Kory, on the other hand, was trained by the Warlords of Okkaara, who taught her to destroy her enemies lest they rose again to destroy her.

"Kory, the Joker wants revenge on me because I beat him when I was a kid. It doesn't matter if Batman and the others send him back to the madhouse, he isn't going to stop. He'll just break out and try this again. I'm not going to let him come between us…"

"Dick…"

"Joker might walk and talk like a man, but he's a monster. He has no regard for human life, any life, and he hates everything that's good about this world. If he comes after us… I won't stop you."

The Joker sat his chessboard opposite the mannequin dressed as Batman.

"Pawns are always the first pieces to move, unless you're a complete jack-ass and use your knight first. Pawns are like razor blades: sharp, disposable, and you can never have enough…"

The Joker moved all of his pawns forward two spaces.

"Mister J, isn't that an illegal move?"

The Joker had hired two new girls: a silent mime named Setup, and a clown named Punchline.

"Punchline my dear, you're new at this, so I'll cut you some slack. But I will enlighten you…"

The Joker pulled out a knife and hurled it across the room, missing Punchline's head by a few inches.

"The whole wad is just a big bad joke, so the only sensible way to live in this world… is without rules."

"I'm not going to ask again…" said Jason. "Where is he?"

"If you want to know where Mister J is so badly, why not ask Chad?" replied Harley, unmoved by Red Hood's threats.

"Who, dare I ask, is Chad?"

"The guy with the laptop."

"What guy with a laptop?"

"You mean you don't know?" asked Harley. "Alright guys, just hear me out for a second. None of this is actually happening! There's a crazy single religious zealot, with a laptop, and this is all happening in his sick twisted imagination."

Just then all the extra spicy chili cheese dogs that Harley had consumed earlier came back to haunt her.

"Screw you Chad!" yelled Harley racing to the bathroom.

"Well, we know what to get her for Christmas," said Jason. "A book of matches, some homemade napalm, and a cheap urn."

It had been over a week since the Joker delivered his message at the basilica. So far there had been no incidents in Gotham City or anywhere else that could be attributed to the Joker, but they were worried that it was just because they haven't found the bodies yet. The Joker wasn't just going to give up because they hid Dick and Kory and the Watchtower and locked the door. He was either going to force his way in, or he was going to find someone else to vent his frustration on. Batman followed up every lead he had and came up empty. As much as he hated it, there was nothing for him to do but wait until the Joker made his move. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, it happened. Every single screen in Gotham City was invaded by a female blue-haired clown and a female mime that remained silent.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! We're Setup and Punchline, Joker's new helpers, and we're here to present Nightwing and Starfire with a very special surprise!"

"You mean to tell me that he got TWO new girls?!" asked Harley. "I'M GONNA KILL HIM! I'M GONNA CASTRATE HIM! I'M GONNA MURDERLIZE HIM! That last one might not be a word, remind me to see if I can copyright it!"

"Gee Joker, it sure was nice of you to get Bird Brat and Star Girl a wedding present, even though they didn't invite you to the wedding," said Punchline.

"I'm just that kind of guy. But since they're too rude to accept my gift in person, I've decided to leave it with their friends. My present should be arriving at Titans Tower any minute…"

After Joker made his announcement at the basilica, Dick alerted all the active, inactive, and reserve members of the Titans, fearing that Joker might use them to hurt him and Kory. The only ones he couldn't get a hold of were Ravager and Jericho. Nearly all the rest had gathered at Titans Tower for safety.

"The tower is in lockdown, Batman and Robin are in route!" said Cyborg.

"Alright Titans, listen up!" said Donna. "This maniac has made the mistake of messing with our family! Nightwing and Starfire are ready to spend the rest of their lives together, he wants to ruin that for them. And since he can't get to them, he wants to use us to hurt them! But are we going to give him the satisfaction?!"

"NO!"

The Titans all took their positions throughout the tower.

"He's one guy, and there's a small army of super-powered beings on this island. And he thinks he has a chance? No wonder they call him the Joker," said Blue Beetle.

"Don't underestimate him," said Wally. "This guy has outsmarted the Justice League, and there's a rumor going around that he beat Ra's Al Ghul in chess."

"When this is over, would you like to see _Les Miserables_ with me?"

"Since when are you interested in a musical based on a novel by Victor Hugo?" asked Raven.

"For you beautiful, I'd sit through a three-day seminar about the future of British television."

Trigon was dead. About a year ago the Titans had faced the demonic overlord, and the confrontation ended him being impaled with a soul-destroying sword. Raven was free of her father's influence forever, free to embrace her feelings for Garfield. But there was always something.

The Titans waited a whole ten minutes before they heard the sound of property damage.

"What's the situation Victor?" asked Donna.

"Uh… guys… I can't believe I'm about to say this… but…"

Before Cyborg could finish, a giant yacht crashed into the tower, promptly followed by another.

"Alright, who has the…"

Arsenal froze when he saw the attackers. Beast Boy peered through the hole in the tower so he could get a look, and his jaw dropped.

"Well there's something you don't see every day," said Raven.


	7. The Opening Act

In their time as costumed heroes, the Titans thought they had seen it all. They had fought everything from super-powered aliens to demons from Hell. There was very little that would surprise them; but no one expected what happened that night, not even Batman.

Making their way across the water towards Titan Island were seven hulking horrors, each over twelve feet tall. Each of them was dressed as a famous historical figure.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" exclaimed Joker. "For your opening act on Bird Brat and Stargirl's wedding festivities, I proudly present Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi, Tenzin Gyatso, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Clara Barton, Saint Óscar Romero, and Saint Teresa of Calcutta!"

"You've got to be kidding me," said Donna.

"Oh please!" said Wally. "I've seen episodes of Scooby Doo that were scarier than this!"

Wally immediately raced down the tower and charged at the nearest monster.

"The bigger they are…"

Before Wally could finish his sentence, the creature swung its gigantic arm and sent him flying back into the tower.

"The harder they hit," said Beast Boy.

Dick and Kory were watching the whole thing go down from inside the Watchtower.

"Who are these people?"

"The people they're dressed as were famous holy men and pacifists," said Dick. "The Joker has gone and turned them into the dirty dozen!"

The Joker was giving commentary from his hideout.

"Their parents must be either dead or negligent, otherwise they'd never let these kiddies out of the house looking like that. Believe me, I know all about bad parents. After dear old mom killed my dad, she took me to the circus and just left me there! Or am I thinking of someone else? Hold that thought, Saint Teresa has broken through the Titans' line! She swings to the left! She swings to the right! And… there goes the kid with the bow and arrow! Could someone please explain the appeal of archery to me? I'll take my trusty guns any day."

Roy was in need of medical attention, so Donna rushed to get him off the island.

"You had a clear shot, why didn't you take it?"

"I'm a screw-up," said Roy coughing up some blood. "I've already done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of. I really don't want it to be said that Roy Harper shot Mother Teresa."

"Fair point."

The Joker's juiced berserk impersonators were tough, but the Titans had seen a lot worse.

"MLK goes down! And the African American community loses its mind!" exclaimed Joker. "For the record, I just want you to know that it isn't personal. I can't speak for the Titans, but I hate EVERYONE equally."

"Is this all you can muster?" exclaimed Blue Beetle.

"Do you hear that folks?" asked the Joker. "There's a big blue bug just waiting to be crushed! Luckily, I always have a trick or two up my sleeve. The problem with comedy these days is that you have certified hacks ranting about nothing but politics and sex jokes. You can only beat that dead horse so many times before it gets old. Sometimes you need to respect the classics…"

In the years to come, everyone was going to say that they should have seen it coming. The Joker had threatened to hurt Nightwing and Starfire, and someone just happened to be trying to break the record for the world's largest lemon meringue pie. One hundred and fifty feet in diameter, and weighing over twenty-five tons, and someone sent it flying across the river toward the tower.

"Madre di Dio!"

"EVERYBODY DOWN!"

Cyborg morphed his arms into a giant cannon and blasted the pie, which exploded into hundreds of pieces and came raining down on the island.

"You know… this is a lot like my last wet dream… only we weren't fighting for our lives…"

"Gar, now is not the time or the place," said Raven.

"What a waste of good pie," said the Joker. "But wait! There's more! Standing seventeen feet tall and weighing over ten tons; you better watch out, you better not cry… Santa Claus is coming to town!"

The hulking horror that leapt across the river and onto the island looked as if someone had forced Santa Claus to overdose on Venom and Joker's toxins. Up in the Watchtower, Dick collapsed into his seat beside Kory.

"That's something NO ONE should EVER have to see…"

"I've got this!"

Beast Boy morphed into a Brontosaurus and swatted at the hulking abomination with his tail, but "Santa" caught it.

"You've been a very naughty boy!" growled the hulking horror, sounding like metal going through a garbage disposal. "Now Santa is going to kill you!"

"Santa" picked up Beast Boy and prepared to toss him, but he morphed into a hummingbird to escape. The horrendous Santa tried to swat him with his massive fist.

"Alright, time to pull out all the stops."

Beast Boy morphed into what looked like an amalgamation of several different species of dinosaurs. Most of his body resembled that of a T-Rex, but his arms were a lot thicker and had longer reach. His back had the dorsal fins of a stegosaurus, and his tail had matching spikes. His head also had horns like a triceratops.

"I've been saving this one for a rainy day," he growled. "I call it Mega Rex!"

The juiced and jokerized Santa started swinging at Beast Boy with the razor-sharp candy cane he had been carrying on his back, but Beast Boy dodged every hit and impaled the monster's hand with one of the spikes on his tail.

"Now this is entertainment!" exclaimed the Joker.

Beast Boy kept the hideous Santa Claus busy until the Batwing came into view. The craft dispersed purple colored gas over the hulking horror. At first, the gas seemed to have no effect, but as the hideous Santa swung at Beast Boy, his movements became a lot more sluggish. Eventually, the monster collapsed into the river.

"Well that was anticlimactic…" said the Joker sounding disappointed. "Sorry folks, but I'm afraid that's all the time we have tonight. But don't worry, we'll be back for more jollies soon enough. Exit stage left, laughing all the way! HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Batman and all the Titans stood beside the hideous mutant Santa Claus and all the other abominations.

"Who does this?" asked Blue Beetle.

"We're dealing with a very sick mind," said Raven.

"Batman, I tried tracing the Joker's signal, but he bounced it through no less than fifty countries," said Cyborg.

"The Joker's crazy, not stupid," said Batman. "He won't be found that easy unless he wants to be found."

Batman waited with the Titans until someone came to take Joker's juiced berserkers to the Slab. As he and Robin made their way back to Gotham, he brought up Barbara on the Batwing's monitor.

"Batgirl, where's Harley?"

"She's trying to order a new coffee bar brewer over the phone."

Harley came into view on the monitor, shouting obscenities into her phone.

"NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU CHEAP PIECE OF CURRY-LOVING TRASH! IF YOU TRANSFER ME TO ONE MORE DEPARTMENT, WHERE THEY ASK WHO I AM OR WHAT I WANT, I WILL SHOVE THIS PHONE SO FAR UP YOUR…"

"Harley!"

"Oh, sorry about that B-Man. What do you need?"

"What did the Joker hope to accomplish tonight?"

"Do you like magic, Bats?" asked Harley smiling. "While you're looking over here, something else is happening over there. This was just the opening act, something to keep you and everyone else distracted while he gets ready for the main event."

"And what would that be?"

For some reason, Harley imagined a Godzilla-sized demonic Joker stomping through Gotham City.

"I'm both horrified and horny."

Somewhere, Joker sat watching reruns of old cartoons and sitcoms.

"Tell me girls, have you thought of a way for me to kill them yet?"

Setup remained silent as always, but Punchline eagerly gave her answer.

"You could beat them to death with a donkey's jawbone!"

The Joker mulled the idea over.

"Too Jewish," he said at last.

It was at this moment that Deathstroke kicked down the door and stomped in. The girls backed against the wall, but the Joker didn't even bat an eye.

"What did that door ever do to you? Did you at least bring the goods?"

Deathstroke said nothing. He tossed the briefcase he was carrying to the Joker's feet.

 **LexCorp**

"You stole that from Lex Luthor?!" exclaimed Punchline.

"My dear, I'm crazy enough to take on Batman," said the Joker. "What makes you think I'm scared of a spoiled chrome-dome with a serious inferiority complex?"

The Joker inspected the box's contents.

"Johnny and Jervis… it's play time."


	8. Lighten Up

Batman had been awake for over forty-eight hours. He was going through all his files on the Joker again, hoping beyond hope that he might find something that would reveal the Joker's plan or where he was hiding; but deep down he knew he was wasting his time. The Joker would never let himself be caught, at least not while Starfire was still alive. But even if he caught the Joker in time, would it make any difference? He remembered Dick's words.

" _Don't bother pretending! It happens every damn time! He won't stop until he pulls her fucking heart out! That's all he does!"_

Batman stared over at the corner of the cave where Dick first made the vow. It seemed like it was only yesterday, but it also seemed like another lifetime ago. They had brought down Tony Zucco together and got justice for the death of Dick's parents. He had given Dick the closure that he himself never had. He could've stopped there, but he didn't. He chose to be Robin, and for many years he fought the good fight to honor his parent's memory. And now he was looking to put all that behind him so that he might start a new life with Kory. In some ways, Dick was a stronger man than he ever was.

"Master Bruce, I hate to interrupt, but I feel obliged to point out that if you intend to break the world record for days gone without sleep, now might not be an ideal time to do it."

"I have to find him, Alfred… Dick wants to start a new life, one free from all of this. I can't let the Joker come between him and that happiness."

"Master Richard and Ms. Anders are safe in the Watchtower. You'll be no good to them if you succumb to sleep deprivation."

The Watchtower was on emergency lockdown. There was no way that anyone or anything should've to get in or out of the station, not even ghosts. If it were anyone other than the Joker, Bruce wouldn't have been so worried. Since all the Justice League's teleportation systems were offline, as per the lockdown protocol, there shouldn't have been any way to get onboard the Watchtower. Even if the Joker had a ship that could launch him into orbit, the Watchtower's automated defense systems would blast it out of the sky before it even got close. Even so, the Joker wasn't going to give up just because his victims were out of reach. He was either going to keep hurting people until Starfire offered herself up, or he was going to find someone who could break into the Watchtower for him.

"Alfred, compile a list of individuals that could break into the Watchtower," he said as they rode the elevator up to the mansion. "Send the information to our allies, and make sure that they're all accounted for."

"Right away sir. I shall wake you if there are any developments."

Jimmy Olsen made his way through the busy streets of Metropolis carrying two large cups of coffee, both bought from the finest shop in the city. If Lois didn't get her coffee, she was going to be very cranky. Jimmy fought the urge to use his signal watch to call Superman, so he could ask him for a lift to work. He had almost made it to the Daily Planet when something awful struck his nostrils.

"PEE-YEW!"

Jimmy looked around and saw a massive garbage truck. There was some gross-looking green ooze dripping out the back and onto the street. It made him want to puke.

"Of all the disgusting… He-he-he-ho-ho-ho-ha-ha-ha!"

Jimmy almost stumbled into the street, but someone pulled him away in time. The driver rolled down his window as Jimmy continued to laugh.

"What where you're going you ornery little… He-he-he-he-ha-ha-ha!"

The driver crashed his car into a lamp post, and everyone at the intersection broke down laughing.

Dick and Kory had been locked up in the Watchtower for three and a half weeks, and it was beginning to get to them. The Joker hadn't been seen since the attack on Titans Tower.

"I don't understand why they can't find this man," said Kory.

"This isn't a man," said Dick. "This monster once disappeared off the face of the Earth for over a year, and not even Batman could track him down. And he's not going to give up just because we teleported to the Justice League's headquarters in space and locked the door. As smart as Batman is, it sometimes seems as if he's ten steps ahead of him."

"Maybe he's trying to make us die from boredom."

"Well if you're bored… I know one thing we could do to pass the time…"

Suddenly, Cyborg appeared on the monitors.

"Guys, it looks like the Joker's making his next move."

Cyborg's image was replaced with the Joker dressed up like Elmer Fudd. The same video was streaming throughout Gotham City and the internet.

"Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting wobins."

The Joker paused, as if waiting for his audience to laugh, but no one did.

"Oh Bird Brat and Star Girl, you're such party poopers. Why don't you come down here and have a few laughs? I know all of Metropolis is. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Dick pulled up the media feed from Metropolis.

"At this moment the city of Metropolis has fallen into chaos! Everywhere people are turning into laughing lunatics! Reports of accidents and property damage are coming in form all over the city, and emergency services are… are… unable to… suppress… the… hysteria or damage… Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

The first thing Superman did was fly to the Daily Planet to check on Lois. He found the entire building in complete disarray, and Lois was laughing herself silly on the floor.

"Ha-ha-ha! That big S on your shirt… Ha-ha-ha-ha! Do you ever realize how dumb it is?! HA-HA-HA-HA!"

With his super-vision, Superman could see that there was a colorless gas in the air. It didn't appear to be lethal, but it was driving the whole city nuts.

"Why would the Joker attack Metropolis?" asked Supergirl.

"You think the Joker needs a reason to do anything?" asked Superman. "Several speedsters are in route to help get the city under control. Kara, I want you to help them. I'll take care of this gas."

Superman flew around the city and realized that the gas was coming from garbage trucks. One by one he carried them out of the city and left the drivers for the police. Then he began flying around the city in giant circles, gradually getting faster and faster, until he created a vortex strong enough to suck up all the gas.

"Bingo."

Down below, Deathstroke took his shot. He launched a projectile that had been created by Scarecrow and the Mad Hatter. The tip contained traces of Kryptonite, just enough to allow the device to make contact and weaken the man of steel's resistance. Superman never saw it coming.

"Kal? You okay? Kal?"

"Bird Brat… Star Girl… KILL! KILL! KILL!"

From his hideout, the Joker sat opposite his mannequin of Batman and changed some of the pieces.

"Queen's bishop turns king's bishop."


	9. The Ragnarök Protocol

"Batman, we've got a serious problem!" said Supergirl screaming into her comm. "Kal's gone nuts and is beelining for the Watchtower! I'm in pursuit!"

Batman wasted no time. When it came to Superman, every second counted.

"Override protocol, A-C-1-G-K!" he barked into the Batcomputer.

"Override code, accepted. Watchtower Anti-Kryptonian defenses coming online."

"You built override codes and anti-Kryptonian defenses into the Watchtower?" asked Batgirl. "Of course you did…"

"Superman isn't the only surviving Kryptonian. It's important to plan ahead"

To this day, Batman had nightmares about an army of Kryptonians invading the Earth.

"Will they be able to stop Superman?" asked Red Robin.

"They'll slow him down," replied Batman placing his hand on a scanner. "Initiate Ragnarök protocol, voice verification B-K-D-C-2-7."

"Command code accepted. Armageddon exosuit coming online."

Aquaman's skin was practically bulletproof, he could swim at a speed of one hundred and fifty miles per hour for four hours, his muscles were ten times denser than an ordinary man's, and he could summon tsunamis with his trident. The Green Lanterns wielded weapons that were only limited by the wearer's imagination. Speedsters like the Flash could run faster than light. Wonder Woman was a demi-goddess that was born and bred by a society of seemingly immortal warriors. Superman was like a god walking among mere mortals. At the end of the day, Batman was just a rich man with lots of issues. Needless to say, he had spent a great deal of his adult life trying to tip the scale.

The money and resources that went into developing the Armageddon exosuit exceeded the entire military budget of the United States of America for a decade. The suit was designed for combat with the most powerful beings the multiverse had to offer.

"Okay, I admit, that's fucking awesome," said Red Hood as Batman donned the suit.

"You haven't seen anything yet."

Not wasting another second, Batman rocketed out of the Batcave without another word.

"I want one…" said Robin.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" exclaimed the Joker. "Our pre-wedding entertainment continues. Stupid-Man may have foiled my plan to lighten up the city of Metropolis, but now he's been implanted with a device that's turned him into a homicidal maniac! And all that rage is pointed right at Bird Brat and Star Girl! Now I know you want to see the show from the best possible angle, and thanks to some satellites that I borrowed from Lex Corp, we're now going live to the Justice League Watchtower, where the two lovebirds have been hiding."

Back in Metropolis, Lex Luthor was far from pleased. A few weeks ago, Deathstroke had infiltrated his company and stolen some of his property. It was now clear that he had been acting on the Joker's behalf. Today the Joker had gone as far as to infect the entire city with a non-lethal version of his laughing gas. Lex Corp tower was airtight and unaffected, but that didn't change the fact that the Joker was attacking Lex Luthor's city. And now he had taken control of his satellites.

"GET MY DAMN SATELLITES BACK UNDER CONTROL!"

Luthor's technicians struggled to regain control of the satellites, but their monitors were immediately invaded by images of the Joker wearing a bald cap and dressed as Luthor.

"Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?!" exclaimed the Joker mockingly. "I'm Uncle Shit-Gold! That's right! I eat diamonds for breakfast, and I literally shit gold! I make more money than God! I own your house, I own your wife, I own your children, I own the food you eat and the air you breathe! Do you have any idea what it's like to bang a whole harem of perfect prostitutes in a pool made of platinum, pearls, and pure sin? That's the power of money!"

"You're all… fired," growled Luthor.

Supergirl flew fast enough to overtake Superman, but he knocked her aside with one punch. Kara felt several of her bones shatter.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!"

Superman was nearly at the Watchtower when suddenly the station sent out a massive pulse of red energy that knocked him back.

"No fair! No fair!" exclaimed the Joker.

Every single hero on Earth had lived in Superman's shadow. The Man of Steel had taught them all how to be heroes. When Dick Grayson stopped being Robin, it was Superman that inspired him to take on the mantle of Nightwing. And now Superman was trying to kill Dick and his future wife.

"How could the Joker get to someone as incorruptible as Superman?" asked Kory.

"It's what he does."

Dick was a lot more scared than he was letting on. Superman could destroy entire planets if he ever decided to drop his restraints; but Dick couldn't look weak in front of Kory, not now. For a moment the red sun lasers and pulse generators kept Superman at bay, but then he blasted them with his heat vision. Dick and Kory ducked into the next room. The emergency blast doors sealed shut behind them as the room filled up with lead-based smoke.

" _Superman can see at the subatomic level, but for some reason, he can't see through lead,"_ thought Dick. _"I call bullshit."_

"Nightwing! You and Starfire get out of there! I'll deal with Superman!" said Batman over the comms.

"Dick, we've got another incoming projectile."

Dick looked at the monitors. Bruce had proven that he was an impossible human being. But it was moments like this that made Dick remember why he idolized Bruce when he was a boy.

" _He's the goddamn Batman."_

Before Superman could rip through the Watchtower's hull, something struck him hard in the back. He turned to see Batman in the Armageddon exosuit floating there and pointing a red sun laser at him.

"Don't make me do this Superman."

"Bat-Brain… KILL! KILL! KILL!"

"Now this is entertainment!" exclaimed the Joker.

Nightwing and Starfire teleported out of the Watchtower as the fight broke out.

"You go to the trouble of organizing a present for those two, and they don't even stay to see the show!" exclaimed the Joker.

"Batman, I've already alerted the rest of the Justice League!" said Batgirl over the comms.

"Keep them on standby. I want to see if this suit is worth the time and money that I put into it."

Superman fired his heat vision, but the suit's plasma shields deflected it.

"Is that all you've got?"

Batman took several more shots with his red sun lasers. Superman flew right at him full force, but Batman blocked the blow like it was nothing. In addition to all Batman's favorite alien and meta-human countermeasures; the Armageddon exosuit also used the same technology that Professor Ivo used to build his Amazo androids, and it had been enhanced by Batman's own design. The suit could mimic the powers and abilities of any being that it had on file.

" _Accessing Superman."_

Batman dealt Superman a powerful blow to the gut, knocking him back. Batman used the opportunity to blast him with his red sun lasers again.

"Are you going to come to your senses, or am I going to have to beat some into you?"

The Joker coughed up some of the popcorn he was chugging down.

"Come on boy scout! Stand up to him like I would! If I was there… and if I had superpowers… and… Oh for Pete's sakes, just kill him!"

Because of the device that the Joker had planted on him, Superman wasn't thinking rationally. Normally his brain processed information faster and better than a normal human, making him a genius. But in this state, he was little more than a rabid animal. He continued to fire his heat vision at Batman, which was ineffective against his plasma shields. Occasionally he would start throwing punches, but the Armageddon exosuit had Superman's strength and the Flash's speed, making it all too easy for him to dodge or counter. Superman left himself exposed enough for Batman to blast him with his red sun lasers. This just made Superman angrier and angrier. Eventually, he started ripping pieces from the hull and chucking them at Batman. These pieces were easy enough to dodge, but Batman could see that the Watchtower's orbit was decaying.

" _Warning: orbit decaying. Impact imminent."_

"Oh no! The Watchtower appears to be falling right out of the sky!" said the Joker smiling. "And look where it is, Gotham City could be in serious danger!"

The Armageddon exosuit was more than capable of surviving atmospheric reentry, but Batman couldn't stop the station from destroying Gotham and fight Superman at the same time.

"Batman, Earth's Green Lantern's are inbound," said Batgirl.

"Tell them to get the Watchtower out of the area. I'll deal with Superman."

Batman kicked his suit's thrusters into overdrive.

"Activate kryptonite weapons."

Batman started knocking Superman across the atmosphere as several giant green arms materialized and pulled the Watchtower out of its path.

"NO FAIR! NO FAIR!" exclaimed the Joker.

Batman's goal was to wear Superman down, and the kryptonite weapons were draining his solar energy and damaging him a lot faster than his red sun weapons, but they also made him angrier.

"STUPID-STUPID BAT! KILL! KILL! KILL!"

Without warning, Superman bolted up into the sky and out of sight.

"Batman! He's heading right for the Sun!"

"Oh shit…"

Everyone waited. Fifteen minutes passed, and then the Sun looked like it had split in half.

"OH MY GOD!" exclaimed Batgirl.

Superman was flying right at Batman and the Earth, his entire body radiating with power.

"DIE!"

Everyone on Earth started to panic, even the Joker.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! I'M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS INTO NEXT WEEK, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

Much to everyone's surprise, Batman was flying right at Superman.

"IS HE INSANE!?" yelled Red Robin.

"FATHER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" exclaimed Robin.

"This will be over in no time."

The Armageddon exosuit was capable of using the Flash's speed, but Batman's brain couldn't process information anywhere near as fast as the Flash's brain could. Fortunately, the suit's systems were built to compensate. Batman was only going to get one shot at this, and the suit was waiting until just the right moment.

" _All kryptonite weapons armed. Activating chronal disrupter."_

Superman and the power he was carrying disappeared without a trace.

"What the hell just happened?!" exclaimed the Joker. "Get me an instant replay!"

No one could make sense of it. One minute Superman was surging with power and on a kamikaze beeline toward Batman, the next he was falling out of the sky and suffering from severe kryptonite radiation.

"I hate abrupt endings!" said the Joker. "Well, I guess that's all for now folks. But don't despair, I'm just getting warmed up. And Bird Brat, if you and Star Girl are still looking for a band to play at your wedding, I can play my nose!"

The Joker placed a finger over one nostril and began tapping the other as he blew air out of it. Somehow it sounded like the Looney Tunes theme.

Dick and Kory had escaped to one of Batman's secret safe houses. The Green Lanterns had managed to keep the Watchtower from causing any damage. Superman and Supergirl had been taken somewhere to recuperate. Kara's injuries would heal overnight, but it was going to take a lot longer for Clark to recover from the severe kryptonite radiation he had endured.

"What did you do?" asked Barbara

"I blasted him with enough kryptonite to nullify all his solar energy."

"But how did you do it?"

Bruce pulled up the Armageddon armor's classified schematics.

"There are aliens and meta-humans out there that defy the laws of physics. Superman and several speedsters have broken the light barrier. By the time you realize you're under attack, you're already dead. That's why I've spent years salvaging alien technology and developing the chronal disruptor."

"It stops time?!" exclaimed Damian.

"Exactly. It doesn't matter how fast your opponent is if they're not moving."

"Maybe you should lead with that next time," said Tim.

"This is the first time I've ever used it, I wasn't sure it would work. Besides, it requires a lot of power. It burned through two cells stopping time for ten seconds, and these things are hard to come by."

"What is it powered by?" asked Jason.

Bruce pulled out one of the suit's power cells. There was a bright ball of energy suspended between the two ends.

"Miniaturized stars from uninhabited solar systems, courtesy of Ray Palmer."

"What now?"

Bruce had the Batcomputer patch him through to Cyborg.

"Cyborg, were you able to trace the Joker's signal?"

"I'm afraid not Batman. This is really ticking me off, I mean he's just a man in a purple suit."

"I'm just a man, and I just took down a super-charged Superman."

"Point taken…"

"Have a team escort Miss Martian to this location. I want to see if Harley is hiding anything."

"I'll put Beast Boy and Raven on it. I'll keep looking."

"Did you find them?" asked the Joker.

"Luthor's satellites are more than capable of detecting energy anomalies that are the result of teleportation," said Deathstroke pointing at the monitor. "They're here."

"Excellent… I'm going to need your personal files on Bird Brat and Star Girl. It's time to apply Sun Tzu to comedy."

"What are you going to do boss?" asked Punchline. "Are we going to storm the place and kill her?"

"My dear girl, what fun would that be?"

"But, isn't that what you've been trying to do?"

"Comedy 101," said the Joker fiddling with a knife. "The joke is never funny if your audience sees the punchline coming."


	10. Comedy 101

"I'm detecting a lack of trust."

Beast Boy and Raven escorted Miss Martian to Gotham City so they could interrogate Harley.

"The Joker just made Superman knock the Watchtower out of the sky, and then he nearly destroyed Gotham and the planet. Is there anything you haven't told me?" growled Batman.

"Well… I paid off my student loans by spending my nights dancing in a club wearing nothing but body paint," said Harley smiling.

"Miss Martian…"

"Hey what are ya doing, that's my brain and stuff!"

Miss Martian was only in Harley's mind for a few seconds, then she just couldn't take any more.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"What was it like in there?" asked Beast Boy.

"It's like _Fifty Shades of Grey_ on crystal meth."

Harley really didn't know anything, but Batman needed to be sure. Miss Martian didn't enjoy a second of it.

"What was she before she joined the circus?" asked Beast Boy.

"A clinical psychiatrist."

"Was she any good?"

"Good enough to know that you and little Miss Darkness over there are sleeping together," said Harley. "Bats obviously suffered some crime related trauma when he was young, and I'm pretty sure that Chad is crazier than all of us put together. That will be eight hundred dollars and fifty cents, who's your insurance provider?"

Raven's face turned pink.

"Who's Chad?" asked Beast Boy.

"How many times do I have to tell you guys, none of this is actually happening! There's a crazy guy with a laptop, and this is all happening in his sick twisted imagination!"

"Permission to leave the room Batman?" asked Miss Martian. "I desperately need to get the image of her taking a shower and skinny dipping in chocolate out of my head."

"Granted."

Once the others had left the room, Batman lifted Harley off the ground held her up against the wall.

"Is this about to get NC-17?" asked Harley.

"Shut up! You might not know the specifics, but you know how the Joker thinks! What's his next move?!"

"Well… you didn't really think Mr. J was going to turn Supie into a planet buster, right?"

"What are you getting at?"

"Come on, Bats, its comedy 101. He said he was going to kill the person that Bird Boy loved most, but Mr. J doesn't do anything unless he thinks its funny, and the joke is never funny if you see the punchline coming."

Jason was burning off steam with target practice. Though he never admitted it, he still had nightmares of when the Joker killed him.

" _Prepare yourself for a severe spanking young man. But let me tell you right from the start, this is going to hurt you a lot more than it does me."_

Jason still didn't know how he came back from the dead, and he didn't care. Even after what the Joker had done to him, Batman still didn't kill the Joker.

" _I want him dead, more than I've ever wanted anything. But if I allow myself to go down into that place… I'll never come back."_

"You're about to get your wish old man."

Barbara walked in to see Jason taking shots at several mannequins. She knew right away that they weren't the kind of shots that left a person dead before they even hit the ground, they were the kind that left a person crippled and helpless while they bled to death.

"What?"

"Miss Martian has confirmed that Harley doesn't know anything. All we got out of her was that whatever the Joker is planning, we won't see it coming."

"So, he won't savagely beat Kory with a crowbar and then blow her up."

Jason didn't say anything about the Joker shooting Kory through the spine and paralyzing her. He wasn't going to open that wound.

"Jason, I've been thinking…"

"Don't tell me you're going soft. You hate him as much as I do!"

"I'm not saying we shouldn't kill the Joker, what if we can't?"

"Barbara, I've killed people before. It's not as hard as Bruce makes it out to be."

"That's not what I meant."

Barbara showed Jason the list of chemicals that made up the concoction the Joker fell into that night at Ace Chemicals, the one that Batman knew by heart, the one that kept him up at night worrying that he missed something.

"Eleven percent sodium hydroxide. Thirty-four percent sulfuric acid. Five percent chromium solution. Zinc sulfide, doped with copper."

"People have been running tests on the Joker since he first came to Gotham, and they've all arrived at the conclusion that he's not a meta-human, alien, or anything else. He's human."

"What's your point?"

"That chemical concoction should have killed him, so why is he still alive?"

Sodium hydroxide was used to digest tissue, it could turn the carcasses of farm animals into something that resembled coffee. Sulfuric acid was highly corrosive and was used as an industrial cleaning agent. Jason never stopped and thought about it. How many times had the Joker seemingly died, only to come back and haunt Gotham? He was just a mortal man in a purple suit, so why was he so hard to kill?

Following the destruction of the Watchtower, Dick and Kory teleported to one of Batman's safehouses. It was a small island, twelve miles offshore from Gotham City. It should have been safe, at least as safe as any place could be with the Joker on the loose.

"When the Justice League builds a headquarters, they plan for Darkseid. So naturally, the Joker drives Superman into a murderous rampage and brings it down!"

"Dick, we're going to get through this."

"This isn't over until the Joker is dead and reduced to a pile of ashes! Every second that he's still breathing is another second that he could kill you…"

"He's NOT going to kill me," said Kory holding him close. "Our lives have been defined by tragedy, but we've both overcome them. We've fought Deathstroke, Brother Blood, my sister, and Trigon. Now that we finally have shot at happiness, I have no intention of allowing it to get ruined by some crazy yapoicca."

"I assume that's Tameranean for clown?"

"You assume correctly. Here's your reward."

Kory kissed him hard on the mouth.

"Is now really the best time for this?" asked Dick.

"I can't help it; life or death situations always make me calientesao."

Kory's was wearing a face that could've melted bank vaults.

"What does that mean?" asked Dick, purely rhetorically.

"It means I want you…"

One more kiss and Dick's brain just shut down. He and Kory made love until their bodies collapsed from exhaustion, and they didn't wake up until night had fallen.

"Feeling better?"

Every time that Dick woke up with Kory in his arms felt like the first time. She was always so warm, and her smile would make a blind man's heart skip a beat.

"Actually, I feel kinda dirty," he said.

"I didn't think it was dirty," laughed Kory.

"It's not that. On this planet, a lot of people think it's improper for a couple to do this before the wedding."

"Never stopped us before."

At that moment, Dick's stomach growled loudly. Kory giggled.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't very romantic."

"I forgive you."

"Are you as hungry as I am?"

"Starving."

Unfortunately, the safe house wasn't stocked with any food that Dick or Kory found appetizing. He didn't want to leave Kory alone, and he briefly considered calling Victor to have him bring them a pizza and mustard via boom tube, but a person would be able to track that if they had the right technology. Instead, Dick called Tim; it would take longer, but it would be worth the wait.

"Aww! Look at this!"

Kory was looking at a picture on Gar's social media page. He had long since changed his status to "In a relationship", but now Raven had finally let him post a picture of them together. Gar had taken the form of a cat and was sitting on her lap while they were watching a movie.

"What do you think they're watching?" asked Dick.

"For Raven, Gar would sit through anything."

Kory knew how much Raven cared for Gar, but she hadn't been able to embrace those feelings because of her inner darkness. With Trigon's death, Raven was free of her father's influence forever, and the change surprised everyone. She started to smile more, and though he couldn't prove it, Gar had insisted that there were times when she had actually laughed.

" _Raven and Gar aren't letting anything come between them anymore… I'm not going to let this Joker person come between me and Dick…"_

Freezing rain started to pour outside. Eventually, Tim arrived on the island. The house's security systems said that it was him, but Dick was worried that after what happened at the Watchtower, the Joker might even have some shapeshifters on his payroll. If he could use Superman as a pawn in his game, the possibilities were limitless.

"What's the password?" asked Dick at the door.

"Bob doesn't like clowns."

"Did you bring the mustard?"

"As if I would forget."

"Thanks a million, Tim."

Tim never noticed the extra weight in the pizza box, and he didn't look inside because he didn't want it to get cold. Dick took the pizza into the kitchen where Kory was waiting for him and opened the box.

In the middle of the pizza, was a big ugly jokerized cod.

"GET DOWN!"

Dick's warning came too late. The cod exploded and filled the room with a thick layer of gas.

Kory didn't know how long she had been out, but when she came to her ears were ringing. She was still in the safehouse, but the lights were out, and Dick was nowhere to be seen.

"Dick? Dick!"

"Dick isn't here at the moment, please leave a message after the scream."

A loud scream echoed through the house, but it was a woman's. That's when Kory saw him emerge from out of the darkness in a flash of lightning. His hollow and soulless eyes combined with his nightmarish grin sent a chill down her spine. He was even more terrifying in person.

"You!"

"I don't think we've ever been properly introduced Star Girl… I'm the punchline to a bad joke that the people of this planet call society."


	11. Starfire vs Joker

"Stop me if you've heard this one before. Barbara Gordon opens the door and…"

Kory tried to blast him in the face, but he dodged it.

"You have? Okay, how about this one? Jason Todd walks into a crowbar and says, AUUGHHH!"

Kory tried to blast him again, but the Joker dodged every shot and ducked out of the room.

"Oh dear, I'm becoming predictable."

Kory flew down the hall after the Joker, but he was nowhere to be found.

"WHERE ARE YOU, YOU CRAZY CREEP!?"

"Crazy? Crazy!? I'm not the one that dresses up like a stripper at a sci-fi convention."

The Joker's voice was echoing throughout the whole house. Kory looked around for any sign of the Joker or Dick, but there was none to be found.

"I've seen Deathstroke's files Star Girl, and I'm legitimately surprised that you're not as nutty as a fruitcake. I mean, I had one bad day, ho-ho-ho-ho… but you're a natural disaster compared to me! And now you intend to marry Bird Brat? Well, I guess Bats' family must have some pretty damn good insurance all things considered… but seriously, was one nutjob in the family not enough for you?"

Kory yelled and unleashed a burst of energy that destroyed everything around her, but there was still no sign of the Joker.

"Oh sure, blow everything up, I'm sure that proves you're not insane. Silly girl, we're all crazy; you, me, Bats, and Bird Brat. The difference is I admit it, and I can see the funny side!"

Lightning flashed outside. Kory moved slowly through the house, ready to react as soon as the Joker showed his face.

" _If he's harmed one hair on Dick's head…"_

The door down the hall was ajar. Not taking any chances, Kory blasted it. Water started pouring onto the floor.

"Congratulations, you've destroyed a toilet. Here's your prize."

Kory ducked out of the way in time to avoid getting hit in the face with a pie.

"Listen up Star Whore, because I'm only going to say this once. Everything that anyone's ever valued is all a great big joke, and marriage is one of the biggest jokes of all. You and Bird Brat are just getting to the punchline a lot sooner."

Dick had warned Kory that the Joker liked to talk, he was trying to distract her; but the moment he showed himself, she would be ready to fry him.

"Think about it. You meet that special someone at the altar, you think it's going to be forever, but they always end in betrayal and death."

Kory had heard the Joker's voice while Dick had been going through Batman's files, but it was a lot more intimidating in person. She shouldn't have been afraid, but as the freezing rain poured and lightning flashed outside, she could hear her heart pounding.

"Maybe marriage meant something once, but not anymore," laughed the Joker. "Today it has become so meaningless that anyone can be married to anything, and they never last! I once knew a man who married a cow, no seriously! It was bound to end in tragedy, but at least she made some killer cheeseburgers! HO-HO-HO!

" _That's right, keep talking you ugly shibirfarnax,"_ thought Kory.

"I also knew a man whose marriage didn't survive the honeymoon. The poor bastard had a diarrhea attack while he and his wife were consummating, and she never forgave him. Sad, but hilarious!"

When Kory came into the next room, there were three puppets rigged to the ceiling. One looked like her, one looked like Dick, and the third looked like a priest.

"Do you, Bird Brat, promise to love, honor, and cherish until your wife starts packing the pounds and someone better comes along?" said the puppet that looked like a priest.

"Yep, then I'll put her in a wood chipper," said the puppet that looked like Dick. "I may go to prison for the rest of my life, but at least I'll save a fortune in alimony."

The puppet that looked like Kory was flung into a nearby woodchipper.

"Ow! That's gotta hurt!" laughed the Joker.

" _There will be nothing left of him to bury!"_ thought Kory.

"What's wrong Star Girl? No witty remarks or threats?" asked the Joker. "I thought you Teen Twerps were all about trash talk. But that's okay, I'll provide the narration."

There was another bright flash of lightning outside, and a loud boom of thunder.

"I had a wife once… I bet you didn't know that… She was so beautiful, she'd make you look like an elderly leper on a bad hair day. HEE-HEE-HOO-HOO-HOO! She loved clowns… so every weekend... I would dress up as one for her. Like any good husband, all I wanted was for her to be happy… but there's only so much you can do when you're stuck in a dead-end job that barely pays the rent."

Kory could've sworn she heard movement behind her, but she didn't hit anything but the wall.

"So, I agree to help Falcone's men rob the one place in town that gave me a job. Unknown to me, my wife had already been killed by some muggers. Falcone's men forced me to wear this stupid mask that turned everything red. The next thing I knew, all hell broke loose. I ran for dear life, and that's when I saw him…"

There was another loud boom of thunder.

"I panicked, I screamed, and I fell; or maybe he picked me up and threw me, I'm not quite sure… The next thing I knew, I was drowning in a vat of chemicals. My entire body felt like it was on fire, and then I blacked out… When I finally came to, I had washed up on the shore somewhere on the edge of the city. Ace Chemicals never did care one bit about the environment. I remember tearing the mask off and running all the way home. All I wanted to do was embrace my wife and tell her how much I loved her. When I finally stopped running, I found my beloved wife lying in a puddle of her own blood. I fell to my knees, and I saw my new reflection for the first time, all in red, and all I could do was laugh… It was a lot like Canio in _Pagliacci_."

The whole house was filled with the horrible sound of the Joker singing.

"Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor! HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Kory realized that the laughter was coming from outside. She blew the wall and the Joker was right there waiting for her with two crowbars.

"I hope Bird Brat doesn't mind if I steal the first dance… Hell, I'll steal the whole bride!"

Kory kept her distance and tried to blast the Joker, but couldn't land a single hit.

" _He's just a guy in a purple suit! Why is he so hard to hit?!"_

"This reminds me of the last time I broke up with Harley, only with fewer energy bolts and more broken knickknacks. I think it had something to do with her cooking."

The Joker started throwing knives at Kory.

"So, Batman rushes over and punches me. And I said, 'Joker?! I thought you said choke her!' And that's why Harley broke up with me for the third time. She never complained about it during our play sessions. I swear to God, that girl must watch _Fifty Shades of Grey_ religiously. HA-HA-HA!"

"DO YOU EVER SHUT UP!?"

"Not if I can help it! Come on Star Girl, you know what a monstrous demented gag the whole universe is! Hell, you probably know it better than me! I mean, your bitter older sister betrayed your family and planet, and you had to endure six years of abuse for it! Why can't you see the funny side?!"

"I don't think it's funny! And you, try laughing when you don't have lungs."

"Kinky."

The Joker leapt up a tree after Kory, but she blasted the branch off and caught him on the way down. She threw him into several trees and started to beat him until she heard bones snap and his face was covered with blood.

"Where's Dick!?"

"Nope, I'm not singing," replied the Joker, coughing up a huge amount of blood.

"Then I'll make you scream!"

Kory started generating a starbolt in her hand but didn't fire it. She pressed the raw energy against the Joker's chest and listened to him wail. Suddenly, another starbolt came out of nowhere and blasted Kory through the air.

"YOU!"

"You didn't really think I was going to let Joker have all the fun, did you sister dear?"

As Kory and her sister came to blows, she quickly realized that they weren't alone. More and more of the Titan's enemies seemed to have come to extract their pound of flesh.

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!"

Just then, Kory felt something overtake her.

"Kory, you have to stop!"

Kory recognized Raven's voice. She must've been controlling her with her soul-self.

"Raven, they're trying to kill me!"

"Kory, you have to listen to me! Whatever you're fighting, it isn't real!"

Kory felt something sharp dig into her neck. She turned around and couldn't believe her eyes, it was Trigon.

"That's impossible! We killed you!"

Kory blinked her eyes several times, and Trigon disappeared.

"Batman?"

Blackfire and all the others were gone as well, replaced by the Titans. That's when she heard the screaming.

"No… NO!"

Somewhere far away, the Joker watched and laughed as Starfire fell her knees crying while the others tried to revive Nightwing. He turned back to his Chess game with the mannequin dressed as Batman. He moved Batman's queen so that it attacked her own knight.

"Here comes the groom!" he sang. "Fall down go boom! Oops, he might be dead! Guess we'll have a funeral instead! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"


	12. Resolve

The last thing Raven remembered was doing everything in her power to save Dick's life before she collapsed from exhaustion. She woke up on a couch beside her friends.

"Is he..."

"You did everything you could, the rest is up to him," said Garfield.

"And Kory?"

"She's with Donna… She cried herself to sleep."

Everyone was gathered in another one of Batman's safehouses outside Gotham. Raven had done her best, but Dick was still on life support. Kory was finally asleep, but Tim was beating himself up in the training room.

"STUPID AND CARELESS!"

Batman had already interrogated the person that had placed the jokerized cod in Dick and Kory's pizza. It turned out that he was one of Joker's informants. He had been told to place it in the pizza if anyone made a specific order. He didn't know anything else, but that didn't stop Batman from beating the living snot out of him after nearly throwing him off a roof.

"Tim, there was no way you could've known," said Barbara.

"STUPID AND CARELESS!" screamed Tim punching the punching bag off its chain and into the wall.

Damian was venting his anger by decapitating solid light holograms.

"How the hell did the Joker know how Dick and Kory like their pizza?"

"Because he's the goddamn Joker," said Jason.

No one had heard from Batman since the interrogation, but Raven said that she could feel his rage emanating all the way back in Gotham, and it was beginning to scare her.

"You're a half demon sorceress from another dimension, and you're scared of a man with issues in a bat costume?" asked Solstice.

"He's not just a man in a bat costume," said Beast Boy. "He's THE Batman."

"Trust me, you don't want to be around him when he's pissed," said Batgirl.

All the Titans took turns standing guard, and the day passed without incident until someone came driving up the road toward the safe house around sunset.

"Guys, I think we've got company," said Blue Beetle watching from the sky.

"I'm not picking up any traces of explosives, Joker venom, or anything else," said Cyborg. "Intercept him."

Blue Beetle stopped the truck.

"What do you want?"

"I was told to deliver this to the Teen Titans," said the man at wheel, handing Blue Beetle a large envelope.

Cyborg made absolutely sure that there wasn't anything malevolent in the envelope before Donna opened it.

 **He has my kids**

Inside the envelope was an image of Ravager and Jericho bound and gagged. Jericho was wearing a sensory deprivation helmet that prevented him from using his powers. They were both sitting on top of a bomb.

"I thought it was weird that Deathstroke would be willing to work for someone like the Joker, even if the money was good," said Wally.

There was also a phone in the envelope, with a tracker pointing toward Gotham Harbor. It figured that someone like Deathstroke would have tracking devices implanted on his kids.

"Tim, take a team and recover Ravager and Jericho," said Donna. "Whatever the Joker's planning, I'm sure we don't want Deathstroke on the board. Everyone else, we need to assume this location is compromised, we're leaving."

The Titans prepped the bed-ridden for transport and were off. They had barely flown a few kilometers when every monitor in Gotham displayed the Joker's face.

"Bad news ladies and gentlemen. It seems that Bird Brat and Star Girl have had a bit of a spat, and now the wedding may be postponed… indefinitely. I certainly hope the bride ordered her husband extra crispy. HE-HE-HA-HA-HA-AH-AH!"

"I'M GOING TO RIP HIS LIMBS OFF AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH THEM!" roared Damian.

"The good news is that we're going to finish the festivities regardless," continued the Joker. "And what better way to round things off than with a good old fashioned one on one fight to the death? That's right folks, for one night only, it's the showdown you've all been waiting for! The Dork Knight Defective and his Wacky Pal! If you want me, Batman, come and get me. Oh, and you better come alone… or else!"

All the monitors throughout Gotham displayed a map leading to a building on the outskirts of the city. The building in question had been labeled 'Joker's Funhouse'.

"Batman do you read me?" said Barbara into her comms. "Batman?"

Batman didn't answer anyone's hails.

"Ms. Gordon."

"Alfred?"

"Master Bruce has just left… I can't get a hold of him… I'm worried about what he intends to do."

"I'll go," said Jason.

"Jason, we have no idea what the Joker's planning."

"I'm sure you and the Titans can handle it.

"Jason, the Joker said he wanted Bruce to go alone. We have no idea what he'll do if he sees you coming."

"He WON'T see me coming. You saw how Bruce treated that pizza boy, this time he's out for blood, and I need to get there first.

Barbara didn't protest. As Jason turned to leave, he stopped in his tracks.

"Why do I get the feeling that we're forgetting something?"

Tim was off with a group of Titans to recover Ravager and Jericho; the rest of the Titans were escorting Dick and Kory to a new location. It took Barbara, Damian, and Jason a minute to realize what was missing."

"Where's Harley?!"

Batman sped through the streets in the Batmobile. For the past twenty-four hours, he had done nothing but pray that Dick would pull through, and fruitlessly try to vent his anger. He had thought about all the times he had sent Joker to Arkham, only for him to break out and cause more death and chaos. He thought of the time he shot and paralyzed Barbara; it was a miracle that she could walk today. He thought of the time he savagely beat Jason in front of his mother and then locked them both in a building that had been set to explode. He could still remember the sharp pain he felt when he held Jason's lifeless body in his arms. No one knew how Jason had come back from the dead. And now Dick was lying on a bed fighting for his life, and it was all because the Joker had poisoned his fiancée with Scarecrow's fear toxin. If Dick didn't pull through, it would be Kory's fault.

"No! It's his fault! And it's my fault…"

Bruce always blamed himself for being unable to save his parents, it didn't matter that he was just a kid. He blamed himself when Barbara was paralyzed, he blamed himself when he lost Jason, and now it was his fault that the Joker had gotten to Dick and Kory. Who would be next? Tim? Damian? Gordon? Alfred? Selina?

" _We're going to find him, Dick."_

" _And then what?! Send him back to Arkham, just so he can escape again?!"_

" _Dick…"_

" _Don't bother pretending! It happens every damn time! He won't stop until he pulls her fucking heart out! That's all he does!"_

In the distance, he saw the neon lights glowing against the rundown old buildings at the edge of Gotham.

 **Joker's Funhouse**

It started to rain as Batman got out of the Batmobile. He felt his muscles tighten and his heart beat faster.

"No more, this ends tonight…"


	13. Warm Up

After the incident at the safe house, Kory cried herself to sleep. Everyone had thought that the Joker's plan was to kill her, instead, she ended up blasting the man that she loved, and she couldn't take it. She woke up surrounded by her friends.

"Dick?" she asked.

"We've done everything we can… the rest is up to him," said Donna.

Dick was one of the strongest people that Kory knew. Despite not having any superpowers, he was the one who led the Titans against one overwhelming foe after another; enemies like Deathstroke, Brother Blood, and Trigon. He was going to get through this… he had to.

"The Joker?"

"He's made his move, Batman's going after him."

"I'M GOING TO BURN HIM TO ASHES FROM THE INSIDE OUT!"

All the Titans banded together to restrain Kory.

"Kory, this is exactly what the Joker wants! If you go after him, he's just going to finish what he started!"

Even Donna was having trouble keeping Kory under control. Raven needed to possess her with her soul self.

"Kory, listen to me. When Dick wakes up, the first thing he's going to want to know is if you're okay."

"We'll never be safe as long as that shibirfarnax is still alive!"

"Batman's not going to return the Joker to Arkham. I can feel his rage from here, this time he's going to kill him."

Kory could tell when Raven was being serious. She eased up a little.

"If you go out there, you're just putting yourself in danger again. Dick is fighting for his life right now, and if he's going to pull through, you need to be here when he wakes up. Let Batman handle this."

"Are you sure?"

"Batman won't be able to stop himself this time," said Raven. "This is the straw that broke the camel's back,"

Batman smelled the bodies before he saw them. The dimly lit room that he entered was filled with dozens of corpses in various states of decomposition, but they all had the same nightmarish grin created by the Joker's venom. Batman imagined that these were his unwilling test subjects. The rage inside him swelled up even more.

"No more…"

At that moment, the Joker's voice came on over the building's ancient PA system.

"You actually bothered to use the door for once! And here I thought you and your hired help really liked pulling glass out of your asses! HA-HA-HA! So how do you like my new place, Bats? It's a big step up from the asylum; unfortunately, they have the exact same problem… TOO MANY NUTS!"

Batman was already on the move when he heard the loud rumbling. As he raced across the room to the door, millions of pounds of nuts came raining down from the ceiling. Batman barely made it to the next room in time.

"Death by nuts! I bet you weren't expecting that one! You okay, Bats? You don't look so good… Have you been eating your fruit and veggies? You know what they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But in my experience, an apple a day keeps anyone away, provided you throw it hard enough."

At that moment, a dozen machines came out of the wall and started shooting apples at Batman.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Raven, watching the whole thing unfold with the other Titans.

"And I thought Gar's jokes were bad," said Cyborg.

"Stop me if you've heard this one before," said the Joker. "The other night a cop pulled me over and said, 'Papers!' So I said, 'Scissors! I win!' Then I cut off his hand and drove off! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Batman, who had just made it through the room all covered in apple juice, wasn't amused.

"Really? Nothing to that? Are you even listening to me?!" demanded the Joker. "Well, there's one thing you should know… it's important… don't… look… down!"

Batman pulled out his line launcher and fired before the floor opened up beneath him, revealing dozens of razor-sharp spikes underneath.

"You didn't look down! Here's your reward."

Batman zipped along the line launcher into the next room, where he was greeted by Deathstroke.

"Just so you know, this isn't personal."

"I don't have time for this, Slade."

"Not my problem."

"Batgirl to Red Robin, please tell me that you've recovered the Wilsons," said Barbara into her comm.

"I'm a little busy at the moment!" replied Tim.

"The Dark Knight and the freaking Terminator?!" exclaimed Beast Boy pulling out his phone. "This calls for some dramatic background music. Play _Action Mix_!"

Batman was after the Joker, but Deathstroke was considered the deadliest assassin in the world, and he was standing between Batman and his quarry.

" _Deathstroke is stronger, faster, and has the better armor. He fights to kill, and I'm only here for the Joker."_

Predictably, Deathstroke was the one to make the first move. Batman was already on the defensive. He dodged a sword strike that would've taken his head off, pulled back, and dodged several more strikes.

" _Something has him angry… I can work with that."_

Batman and Deathstroke spent the next ten minutes beating the crap out of each other. Deathstroke was attacking with everything he had, but Batman blocked and dodged with equally fierce precision.

"You're getting slow in your old age Batman."

"The same could be said for you!"

Batman caught Deathstroke's sword with his gauntlets and broke it in half. Deathstroke pulled out his energy lance. Batman blocked several strikes, but then Deathstroke blasted him in the chest.

"Ouch! That's gotta hurt!" said the Joker. "While they duke it out, here's an encore presentation of Bird Brat and Star Girl's little spat."

Kory was by Dick's bedside, so she didn't see the video that made all the other Titans clench their fists in rage.

"Oh, there will be a hot time, in the old town tonight! HA-HA-HA-HA!" sang the Joker. "Personally, I was hoping that they'd kill each other, but even I don't get everything I want. Usually, people get cold feet before a wedding, they don't get hot under the collar. HEE-HEE-HEE-HOO-HOO-HOO! Now, let's see how Batman's doing. Will he best the world's deadliest assassin, or will he become a Palauan delicacy?"

Batman fought through the pain. It was time to stop pulling punches.

"I want the Joker, and you're in my way!"

Batman dodged five more shots from Deathstroke's energy lance, got in close, and knocked Deathstroke's mask off with a powerful punch. Deathstroke retaliated with a barrage of blows, but Batman powered through and started to beat the hell out of him. The Titans knew from experience how tough Deathstroke was, he had even taken on most of the Justice League by himself, and now Batman was knocking him around like a ragdoll.

"This dude is off the chain!" exclaimed Beast Boy.

Batman had just punched Deathstroke through a wall when he got the call from Red Robin.

"Batman, the Wilsons are secure!"

As Deathstroke stumbled to his feet, Batman pulled up the video feed that Red Robin had sent him from the ship in Gotham Harbor. Tim's team had successfully rescued Ravager and Jericho.

"Consider yourself lucky Batman… Now if you don't mind, I have a clown to kill."

"Naughty-naughty," said the Joker over the PA system. "Papa spank!"

A green colored gas started to fill up the room. Batman covered up with his cape and reached for the gas mask in his utility belt.

"He-he-he-ho-ho-ho! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Batman pulled out one of the Joker venom antidotes that he had in his belt and injected it into Deathstroke's neck.

" _He'll walk it off… he's had much worse…"_

It was at this moment that the pain in Batman's chest caught up with him. He fell back against the wall and injected himself with a painkiller.

"Come on, Bats, don't tell me you're done after just that," said the Joker. "The fun has only just begun."


	14. Fear

Red Hood stood several blocks away from the Joker's funhouse. The Joker distinctly said he wanted Batman to come alone, and he didn't say what would happen if his instructions weren't followed. Knowing the Joker, he'd probably blow up every maternity ward in Gotham, or something along those lines.

" _I've seen Bruce when he's angry… this is a hell of a lot worse."_

Red Hood needed to get to the Joker before Batman. He had thought he could take him out from a distance, he certainly had the firepower to do so. Unfortunately, a quick drone sweep revealed that something was hiding any heat signatures within the building, and the Joker wasn't so stupid that he'd step in front of a window.

" _And we still don't know where the hell Quinn is."_

Dick and Kory had been moved to another location. Batman was presently going through the Joker's little nut-house. For the moment, all the Red Hood could do was wait for his opportunity.

As Batman made his way through the Joker's funhouse, he saw even more decomposing bodies lying about. This, combined with the painkiller he had taken, made him forget about his fight with Deathstroke. He was going to end this insanity if it was the last thing he did.

"You know, Bats, I've been talking with Scarecrow, and we both agree that you're just as crazy as the rest of us!" said the Joker over the PA. "We break out, cause a little chaos here and there, you always send us back to the godforsaken asylum, and the cycle repeats. You keep doing the exact same thing over and over again but expect a different result each time! According to Albert Einstein, that's the definition of insanity! Doesn't it ever get boring? Repetition is one of the things you absolutely need to avoid if you want to make people laugh! Now me, I do something different each time I break out. I poison the Gotham reservoir, I skin a man alive, I beat your little bird brat within an inch of his life and blow him to kingdom come, I shoot Gordon's daughter in the spine, trying to get Bird Brat number one and his intended to kill each other, what will I think of next?!"

" _There won't be a next time…"_

Batman was so angry, he didn't realize that he wasn't alone. As he made his way through the maze of hallways to a large staircase, something leapt down from the upper floor and stabbed him in the neck.

"AH!"

Batman threw the person off, and it turned out to be Scarecrow. He had stabbed Batman with the syringes that he wore like claws on his hand.

"A concentrated dose, more potent than anything I've ever made before, injected directly into your bloodstream. In a few minutes, you'll die screaming!"

Scarecrow leapt back up the stairs, and Batman followed after him, ignoring the sharp burning pain in his neck.

"I've been doing some research on you little bat… and I've noticed that you always prioritize saving the innocents over catching one of us. Why is that? Is it because at some point… there was someone that you FAILED to save?"

Batman reached the top of the stairs and found himself back in Crime Alley. It was exactly how he remembered it, right down to the smallest shadow and the faintest aroma. He saw his younger self and his parents come out of the theater and go down the alley.

" _NO! DON'T GO IN THERE!"_

All of Batman's muscles seemed to go numb. He fell to the ground and watched helplessly as his parents were gunned down in front of him again.

BANG! BANG!

Batman had promised his parents that he would rid Gotham City of the evil that had taken their lives; but despite his best efforts, it seemed like things only ever got worse.

"You can't save them all Batman," said Scarecrow. "Not even Superman can be everywhere at once, and you're just a mortal man in a cape. YOU WILL ALWAYS FAIL!"

Batman blinked his eyes and found himself at Haly's Circus, the fateful night when Dick lost his parents.

"NO!"

Batman watched helplessly as the trapeze rope broke, causing John and Mary Grayson to fall to their deaths. He saw young Dick crying on the ground in front of them, a perfect reflection of Batman himself. Despite Batman's best efforts, there were always people like his parent's killer. He made damn sure that Tony Zucco was brought to justice, but it didn't bring back Dick's parents.

"How many times have you failed over the years Batman?" asked Scarecrow mockingly. "How many people has the Joker killed? You always return him and the rest of us to Arkham, but we ALWAYS escape. Have you ever stopped and thought about how much blood is on your hands?"

Batman made it his business to know every single one of the Joker's victims. Every one of them had lives, hopes, and dreams; only to be cut short by the Joker's love for chaos, and he thought it was funny.

"HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Batman saw the Joker shooting Barbara, he saw him savagely beating Jason with a crowbar and then leaving him to die in an explosion, he saw the Joker shooting Sarah Essen-Gordon in the head. Finally, he saw Dick and Kory fighting each other, each believing that the other was the Joker. Eventually, Kory got the upper hand, beat Dick, and then blasted him with a starbolt. When Kory realized what had happened, she screamed even louder than Batman remembered.

"This is all your fault!" she said, turning to face him. "Why didn't you stop him?! Instead of ending that monster's reign of terror, you just kept returning him to the madhouse so he could break out and do it again!"

Kory was joined by Bruce's parents.

"You should've stopped him son… like a man!"

"Bruce, how could you let all those poor people die?"

Batman saw all the other countless people that the Joker had killed with no regard.

"Why didn't you save me, Batman?"

"You could've stopped him!"

"You're the reason I'm dead!"

"Does it hurt little bat?" asked Scarecrow. "Does it make your blood run cold to realize just how powerless you are? How many more people are you going to fail?"

Batman rose to his feet and screamed. Before the Scarecrow could move, Batman rushed over, grabbed him by the throat, and hoisted him off the ground.

"This is impossible! You've been injected with enough toxins to kill an elephant!"

Batman threw Scarecrow into a wall and proceeded to savagely beat him. The whole room was filled with the sounds of bones being either snapped or crushed. Scarecrow begged for him to stop, but Batman didn't stop until he was satisfied.

"You're just lucky that I'm after the Joker, not you…"

All of Gotham just witnessed Batman's brutality, but he didn't care.

"Guys… I'm scared," said Beast Boy.


	15. The No-Win Scenario

Dick was still on life support, and Kory refused to leave his side.

"How is he?"

Raven took her hands from Dick's head.

"He's a fighter, he always has been… But the thing that's keeping him going right now is the thought that you're here waiting for him."

Nothing would please Kory more than to pull the Joker's still beating heart out of his body and see the horror in his dead black eyes, but she also knew that the Joker wanted to finish what he started. Raven told her that she could feel Batman's rage across the city. If Raven said that Batman was going to kill the Joker, then he was going to kill the Joker. Being there for Dick when he woke up was more important.

Batman stomped like a juggernaut through the Joker's funhouse, passing more and more twisted dead bodies as he went. This only served to intensify his anger and strengthen his resolve.

"I'm surprised you're still kicking, Bats," said the Joker over the PA. "Not only have you fought Deathstroke, but you've taken a concentrated dose of Scarecrow's fear toxin. I did that once, and I woke up the next morning completely naked, surrounded by dead bodies, and handcuffed to a goat in some random McDonalds that I may or may not have crashed a truck into. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Batman kicked down another door and found himself face to face with the Joker's new lady friends, Setup and Punchline.

"I'm only going to say this once," said Batman "Get the hell out of my way."

"Make us…" said Punchline.

Batman hurled a batarang with the intent of knocking both of them out at once, but it hit something and fell to the ground.

"My sister Setup is a mime," said Punchline. "Only her gift takes it up a notch."

"Do you honestly think that will stop me?"

Batman was about to put all his strength into kicking down Setup's invisible wall. One second he was charging at the two, the next he was kicking his foot against the wall next to the door he came in.

"What the?"

"That's my gift," said Punchline.

Punchline came at Batman from the left and pounced at him like a lion. Batman attempted to deliver a powerful uppercut, but he ended up facing the opposite direction and hitting the ground. Punchline kicked him in the back of the head, and Setup rushed over and stabbed him with an invisible knife.

"Those of you watching at home are probably wondering what the hell is going on," said the Joker. "It's really quite simple actually. My dear Punchline has the power to invert people's perceptions. In layman's terms, for Bat-brain everything is upside down and backwards."

Normally an inexperienced duo like Setup and Punchline wouldn't have been as much trouble as they were, but the Joker had Batman so wound up that he wasn't thinking rationally. They continued to beat Batman, when from out of nowhere, something hit Punchline into a wall.

"I'm going to beat the snot out of whoever did that!"

Punchline looked up and saw Harley Quinn standing beside Batman, holding a big mallet in her hands.

"That would be me."

"Harley!?" exclaimed Joker over the PA. "How the hell did you get in here?!"

"You gave me a key," replied Harley, sticking out her middle finger for the camera. "Not that you'd remember. By the way, I left your buddy the Mad Hatter tied up outside."

"Well, I guess I should've hired better security. That one's on me," said the Joker. "But I distinctly said that no one else was to bother me! And I just happen to have a few monsters left over!"

Outside, Red Hood saw several abominations come charging out of the Joker's funhouse, just like the ones that attacked the Titan's Tower.

"Shit. Red Hood to Batgirl, I'm going to need backup."

Back inside, Batman was finally getting his bearings.

"Bats, go deal with my ex," said Harley. "I'll take care of these two."

Batman rushed past them without a word.

"This is going to be an awesome fight," said Harley. "And it's all going to be offscreen!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Punchline. "What screen?"

"Look girly, let me spell it out for you," said Harley. "None of this is actually happening! There's a guy with a laptop, and this is all happening in his sick twisted imagination. I'm Harley freaking Quinn, the Maid of Mischief, and you two are OCs. I know that none of this is real, but I'm not the one that ceases to exist when this story ends."

"You're crazy," said Punchline.

"And that's why the fans love me. Now let's do this!"

"Three hot girls beating the shit out of each other," said the Joker. "I'm sure there's a dirty sex joke in there somewhere, but I'd like to think I'm better than that."

As Batman ran through the rest of the building, the Joker started reciting poetry.

"Ladies and jelly spoons, hobos and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants, I stand before you to sit behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Admission is free, pay at the door. Pull up a chair and sit on the floor. The show is over, but before you go, let me tell you a story I don't really know."

The walls were decorated with childish paintings that illustrated the Joker's various crimes over the years. The paintings displayed everything from poisoning the Gotham reservoir, the Joker Fish, shooting Barbara, killing Jason, all the way up to making Dick and Kory try to kill each other.

"One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other! A blind man went to see fair play, a dumb man went to shout 'hooray!' A paralyzed donkey passing by, kicked the blind man in the eye, knocked him through a nine-inch wall, into a dry ditch and drowned them all! A deaf policeman heard the noise and came to arrest the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!"

Batman had long since used up the last of his patience.

"Did you ever sit and ponder as you walk around the strand, that life's a bitter battle at best? And if you only knew, it would lend a helping hand? Then every man can meet the final test. The world is but a stage my friend, and life is but a game. How you play is all that matters in the end. For whether a man is right or wrong, a woman gets the blame. So be a real-life Pagliacci and laugh clown, LAUGH!"

Batman finally came to a door with the words, "THE MOMENT WE'VE BOTH DREAMED ABOUT" painted on it. Batman kicked the door down and found the Joker wearing his own imitation bat-suit, minus the cowl. Batman immediately chucked several batarangs at the crazy clown, but they immediately embedded in a transparent wall.

"Now, Bats, you don't want to start the game before you even know the rules, do you?"

Batman rushed over to the wall and fruitlessly tried to break it down.

"Batsy old pal, I want you to know that I've thoroughly enjoyed our game of Bat and Mouse over the years. We're the warriors that built this town! You're the Dark Knight Detective, and I'm the Clown Prince of Crime! I'm the Ace of Knaves, and you're the King of Spades! It's been loads of laughs and we've had a hell of a time, but now the kids are all grown up and getting married… or at least they would be if I wasn't killing them. The point is, we're not getting any younger, and I'd like to end this on a high note, before we get too old and can't even wipe our own asses. But don't worry, after tonight I won't need you to drive me crazy anymore, I can walk from here… HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

All of Gotham fell silent.

"So, here's how we do this little tango," said the Joker. "I've tucked away a great big bomb somewhere in Gotham, one with enough power to turn the entire city into ground zero. Once I put this special cowl on, every wave that my brain gives off charges the bomb just a little bit closer towards maximum blamage! And just to make sure you don't get any funny ideas; the bomb is rigged to blow if you try to remove the cowl after I put it on. There's no way around it, Bats, if you want to save the city, you're going to have to realize that the only sensible way to live is without rules. Personally, I'm hoping you let everyone die, but even I don't get everything I want."

It didn't take long for Gotham to become engulfed in a panic. The rest of the Bat family and a handful of the Titans were busy trying to handle the Joker's leftover mutants when they heard the announcement.

"He's lying," said Barbara.

"About which part?" asked Jason. "The bomb destroying Gotham, or that killing him will stop it?"

Barbara had to admit that Jason had a point. All this time the Joker made it sound like he was trying to kill Kory, when in fact he was trying to get Dick and Kory to kill each other. Batman had spent years trying to get inside the Joker's head, and even after all this time and all the horrible things he had done, he could still surprise him.

"Before we get started, Batsy, I just want to clear the air on something. No matter what a bunch of certified liberal asshats on the internet or bozos playing with Legos think… I always did hate your guts."

To emphasize his point, the Joker stuck out his tongue and both of his middle fingers. Then he put on the cowl, the countdown had begun.

"I was doing some spring cleaning the other day, and you won't believe what I found."

The Joker pulled out a gun and a crowbar. Jason and Barbara knew them all too well.

"Now let's mumbo!"


	16. No More Clowning Around

Bruce Wayne made a promise to his parents, kneeling in their blood, that he would rid Gotham City of the evil that had taken their lives. Every day since then had been spent preparing for his mission. He prepared for mobsters, murderers, muggers, rapists, desperate people doing desperate things. He never imagined anything like the Joker or any of the others that came after him. Bruce had almost lost track of how long he had been waging this war, he couldn't remember a time when he wasn't worried the Joker might escape from the asylum. The doctors at Arkham were never going to cure the Joker, the asylum was just a place for him to rest in-between 'performances' and work on his material, the Joker came and went as he wished. It made Bruce think of what Two-Face said the night he killed Carmine Falcone.

" _Again and again, the courts will send them back to prison or Arkham. They will escape, and we'll have the same problem, again and again."_

Bruce had kept count of all the Joker's victims. Jason had once said that the Joker had been responsible for filling entire graveyards, he wasn't wrong. Bruce thought of the time the Joker shot Barbara in the spine, it was a miracle that she could walk today. He thought of the time he savagely beat Jason with a crowbar and then locked him in a building that was rigged to explode. He thought of the time he killed Sarah Essen, Gordon's wife. And now Dick was fighting for his life, just as he was ready to start a new life with Kory.

" _No more…"_

Before the glass protecting the Joker was raised, Batman chucked several batarangs at it, and they exploded on impact. The force of the explosion sent the Joker flying into the wall.

"ARE YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE!?"

Batman threw more explosive batarangs, but the Joker was already up and on the move.

"RHETORICAL QUESTION!"

The batarangs detonated harmlessly against the wall, Batman was so angry that he had forgotten how fast the Joker could be.

"I'm DONE playing Joker. This ends NOW!"

The Joker just laughed.

"Ho-ho-ho! My dear delusional dark knight, we haven't even gotten started yet."

Batgirl, Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood, and the Titans had finished dealing with Joker's mutants and were trying to assist in evacuation efforts. Gotham City was huge, and Joker didn't say how much time they actually had.

"Super-strong mutants, Deathstroke, superhuman mimes, and now the Joker has threatened to blow up the city," said Donna.

"Welcome to Gotham," said Red Hood.

"Why do any of you stay here?" asked Beast Boy.

"It may be a shithole, but it's ours."

"Kara, please tell me you can help," said Batgirl.

"Already on it."

Supergirl, finally recovered from the incident in Metropolis, flew over the city to use her x-ray vision and look for Joker's bomb.

"Got it!"

Joker had planted the bomb beneath Wayne Tower, right in the middle of Gotham City.

" _Trying to do as much damage as possible."_

Supergirl was there in the flash of an eye. The bomb was as big as a fuel tank. She couldn't identify what chemicals he had used, but it didn't really matter; the Joker had promised to wipe out all of Gotham with it. She looked at the bomb's maze of components.

" _Where do I even start?"_

The bomb's interior was an entire labyrinth of wires. If Kara had to take a guess, she imagined there were at least ten different triggers. Kara saw that there was a progress bar on the bomb's panel, showing that the bomb was already twenty-five percent charged.

"Well… there's more than one way to skin a cat."

She bent over to pick up the bomb, but then the Joker's face appeared on a monitor on the wall.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," said the Joker grinning. "The bomb has a motion detector, if you try to move it, it'll blow. I wouldn't try freezing it either, I've placed an army of thermal sensors on it as well. The only way to stop it is for Bats to stop my brain from ticking."

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" asked Kara.

"Maybe I'm lying, try me…"

The evacuation was nowhere near complete. Kara couldn't take the risk.

"Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb."

The whole world watched as Batman and the Joker fought. Joker took several shots at Batman with his gun, but Batman dodged them all and shot his batclaw at the Joker's leg and pulled. The Joker's head hit the ground with a loud bang.

"Is that all you've got?"

The Joker leapt back up and ran at Batman, dodging another volley of exploding batarangs. The Joker swung his crowbar, but Batman caught it and started beating the Joker in the face with his free hand. When he was satisfied, he kicked the Joker hard in the gut and sent him flying into the wall.

"Come on, Bats… You're not really still upset about Bird Brat, are you? I'm sure he's fine… the kids that make up your hired help are all like self-refilling pinatas. I'm sure he'll just get back up so I can take a swing at him and Star Girl again."

The Joker got to his feet and realized that Batman had picked up the gun and was pointing it at him, the same one the Joker had used to paralyze Barbara Gordon.

"Okay… _THAT'S_ funny," said Joker.

It would've been all too easy for Batman to pull the trigger, but then he remembered his parents. He broke the gun in his hands and tossed it away.

"Good choice, Batsy. Guns are too quick, they don't let you savor all the little things. The cold of their skin, the sensation of their fading pulse, the vanishing light in their eyes, the last breath escaping from their lungs, the reveal of who they truly are…"

"SHUT UP!" growled Batman hurling another batarang.

"What kind of retort is that?! You're not even trying!"

Every member of the GCPD was doing their best to aid the evacuation, but deep down they all knew there was no way to evacuate the entire city in a few minutes. Every chance they got, they stopped to look at a screen to see how the fight was progressing. They watched as Batman and the Joker beat the snot out of each other.

" _This is insane."_

Jim Gordon had been a cop in Gotham City so long that he couldn't remember a time when he wasn't. When he first came to the city he knew it was a cesspool, but he had thought about common criminals and mobsters. He never imagined dealing with anything like the Joker. He thought about the entire graveyards the lunatic had filled, he thought about the time he shot his daughter in the spine and it looked like she was going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, and he thought about the time he shot his wife in the head. He could see the rage in Batman's movements, it was the same rage Jim had felt when he held the Joker at gunpoint after he killed Sarah. The Joker was threatening to blow up the city if Batman didn't kill him first, and there was nothing he or anyone else in the GCPD could do about it.

"Commissioner, we just got word from Batman's allies, there's no way to shut off that bomb… What do we do?"

The officer was Kamilla Fey, she had just joined the GCPD a few months ago. She was young and had her whole life ahead of her. Gordon had a whole list of cops that had been killed by the Joker, and he shuddered at the thought of her succumbing to the Joker's venom. He couldn't stand the thought of her laughing so hard that she suffocated while her facial features distorted into a nightmarish grin.

"The only thing we can do… let it play out."

Barbara couldn't believe the Joker was still standing after the amount of punishment Bruce was dishing out. Bruce may have been violent, but he always managed to keep a lid on it. Barbara could tell that Bruce wasn't holding back anymore, and it was scaring her.

"Batgirl, this is Cyborg."

"Go ahead," said Barbara answering her comms.

"I finished running the simulations for you, and you're absolutely right. There's no way a mortal man should've survived the chemical concoction that made the Joker what he is."

"So how is the Joker still alive today?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

Jason, Tim, and Damian were all listening in.

"Is Cyborg saying the Joker can't be killed?" asked Tim.

"I think we're about to find out," said Damian.

Normally a fight against the Joker wouldn't have dragged on this long, but Batman had already fought Deathstroke and had been injected with Scarecrow's latest toxin; adrenaline and painkillers could only do so much.

" _This used to be so easy…"_

Joker dodged another punch from Batman and slashed him across the chest with the knife he pulled out of his belt. Batman howled in pain as the Joker kicked him to the ground.

"Falling apart on the final boss, Bats? You really have gotten old," laughed the Joker. "It's a shame you'll never get to be a grandpa."

The Joker picked up his crowbar and smacked Batman across the floor.

"Even if Bird Brat does pull through, I don't think he and Star Girl's marriage will last long enough for them to shoot out fire-bats."

The Joker stood on top of Batman with his weapons hovering over him menacingly.

"I was married once… did you know that? Most people today don't even know what marriage is, and let me tell ya… it ain't all it's cracked up to be. I spent my whole marriage worrying that I wouldn't be able to provide for my wife. She used to tell me that I worried too much, that I should've smiled more. Well, I'm sure you can imagine my marriage didn't end well… and the funny thing is… now I'm always smiling."

Batman coughed up some blood as the Joker prepared to stab him in the heart.

"Want to hear a joke?"

The Joker froze.

"You really have gotten old and senile, why else would you think I'd fall for the same joke Bird Brat used on me?"

"Buddy… you are the joke!"

Batman kicked the Joker in the leg and knocked him off. He forced himself to his feet, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest and the blood spilling out of his wound. He stomped over and kicked the Joker in the head. The Joker leapt back up and swung at Batman with his knife again, but this time Batman caught him and broke his arm. Instead of screaming, the Joker just kept laughing. Batman started beating the Joker again until he collapsed. Batman seized the opportunity and stomped on both of the Joker's legs; he felt the bones crack beneath his feet, there was no way to escape. Batman lifted the Joker off the ground, and all of Gotham held its breath.

" _He's no better than the man who killed your parents…"_

Batman thought of Jason, Barbara, and Dick. The Joker would never stop. Someday he might come home to find Alfred with the Joker's twisted grin on his face, maybe the Joker would torture Damian for weeks on end, or maybe he would skin Selina alive.

" _This nightmare has gone on for too long…"_

The Joker could feel Batman's rage as his hands closed around his throat, and he never stopped smiling.

"Ah-buh-dee Ah-bu-dee Ah-buh-dee, that's all folks! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA- HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA- HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

 **(To be continued)**

 **Happy Halloween!**


End file.
